Kitten a Go-Go

Confidence

Lately, I've lacked confidence in so many areas.  Other than my typical mood swings, I don't know what is at the root of the problem.  

I spend a lot of the day feeling frazzled.  Not about work.  I'm confident in my abilities at work.  I guess I've finally been practicing for a long enough time to feel comfortable in what I need to do.  But I do feel frazzled in getting everything done in a day.  By the time I get home, it seems like there is so much that I want to accomplish that I simply can't get to.  I've been very burnt out.  I know this happens to everyone.  It doesn't help that my body never wants to cooperate or function properly.  Most of the time, it just wants sleep.  

This is a prelude of sorts.  I talked about this on another venue tonight and I am also going to talk about it here.  Hell, if I wanted to, I could also take it over to TFL, but I don't want that to become a complete catch-all for whatever is on my mind.  

I am taking the obese fashionless manatee thing to new levels lately.  I've lost about three lbs., but I am still at my highest weight ever.  I look horrific.  We were in line at the grocery store last night and my husband said, Wow, Lisa Marie Presley really looks like shit.  The National Enquirer had her pegged at 165 lbs.  Then I thought how much more than that I weigh.  How much worse than that I must look.  How has this happened.

I know that it has partially been my thyroid and the yeast.  But it has also bee sheer laziness.  I don't watch what I eat.  I don't exercise.  I have more or less given in.  I've accepted the pain of fibro and the limitations that it puts on my life.  Even though every doctor I've had says to exercise through the pain.  I gave up at some point.  

I did my Ballet Conditioning DVD on Saturday and I am still sore.  

I need to get into a fitness routine.  But that's just one more thing that I've got to find time for.  One more thing that needs to get added to my schedule.  But this isn't a want.  This is a need.  I look like hell.  I feel like hell.  Changes are a necessity.  

Frustrated.  If I don't make some serious changes soon, I will weigh more than my husband.  Not okay.  

To the Makers of Candisol

Dear Bairn Biologics,

You make a product called Candisol.  I purchased this product after my colonic.  First, I will say, nice job.  I have been through 5 million yeast cleanses (due to my constant need for anti-biotics) and I know when something works or doesn't work.  This is working.  

However, your bottle states very specifically that the product "causes no 'die off' reaction."  I know a lot about the Herxheimer reaction.  I don't know if I am the first person to use it as a verb, but I was all over that.  Herxing is something I'm very familiar with.  You can call it Herxing or die off or whatever you want.  Regardless of its name, I know what it is.  

Your product caused the absolute worst herxing of my life besides valcyte.  Valcyte is crazy strong prescription shit that they gave me to kill the EBV.  You are an OTC supplement that claims not to cause "die off."  I am sorry, but I'm calling bullshit.

Your product kicked my ass for most of last week.  My assistant agreed that I was a zombie one day at work.  I left and was home by six and then I slept for nearly 13 hours.  Just to clue you in, this is not a luxury that young lawyers get.  

Your label is a LIAR.  I'm still taking your product.  I am simply posting this little letter so that people can find one person's opinions.  Perhaps you'll google you and realize that your claim is completely batshit nutters.  Your product certainly does cause die off.  Perhaps your typical consumer is not experienced with die off, but I'm a pro.  

Sincerely, 
Danielle (aka, Professional Herxer and She who is prone to bronchitis)

Here's your warning: This is about a colonic. Turn back now.

I'm serious.  I am going to talk about Danielle's First Colonic.  IN DETAIL.  If you aren't ready to deal with this sort of topic, I am giving you ample time to click the back button.  Go away.  Shoo.  Run along. 

I'm now going to insert a large picture of Elmo doing weird things with his face and that's your last chance before we seriously start talking about ass.

 

So here we are.  I am going to assume that you have gotten here because you want to know about the topic that has been disclosed above.  MY FIRST COLONIC.  INVOLVING MY ASS.  INVOLVING A POOP CHUTE. 

I haven't been writing much because life is the same old boring cycle.  I start doing better and I take my anti-fungals and then I get sick and then I try to get better, but then I get sicker, so then I take antibiotics and then I get more yeast in my intestines and then the cycle repeats.  The problem is that the anti-fungals are ripping my system to shreds lately.  Like other side effects that even I don't want to discuss.  So after the pneumonia bronchitis, I decided that I didn't want to do the anti-fungals again.  I figured I do what I do best.  Play unlicensed medical practitioner with one patient - ME.  I researched and researched and decided to go back to the place where I had my last detox foot bath, Cleansing Waters.  (Because I got a tour.) 

I had no intention of telling people what I was doing until I told a couple of friends and discovered that this is something that people are curious about.  One friend asked for pictures.  I refused repeatedly.  Then I agreed to take one.  Here it is.  (Taken by my phone, so I apologize for poor quality.)  This is where the magic happened.  BEFORE it happened.

 
So, what you see here is the water purification system.  It's triple purified.  That's also the fancy pants toilet.  One lays on ones back with a tiny pencil sized tube in one's ass which is shooting water into one's intestines and that is where the magic happens.  Now, see that tiny square to the left of the bed?  That's the poop chute.  Everything that comes out of you goes flying by in a clear chute so that you can look at it.  (Here's the thing, you'll want to.)

I had a lovely colon therapist named Colleen.  I put my gown on and she opened my ass tube in front of me.  She said to always be sure that the CT (colon therapist) opens your ass tube in front of you so that you know it is sterile and new.  Wise words considering the scandal in Vegas with the reused stuff at the Colonoscopy centers that spread hep c.  She asked if I wanted to insert it or her.  Um, her.  Thanks.  No discomfort.  A fine professional. 

BEST PART:
Colleen:  So, how old are you?
Me:  33.
Colleen:  Really?  You're 33?  You don't look 33.
Me:  I love you.

We were off to a good start.  Since she's been doing this for 8 years, she chatted away.  I told her about my yeast issues.  She has gone through similar problems.  We discussed my chronic constipation (sorry folks, but well, it's an issue) and she told me how that's the yeast.  She asked if I was always thirsty and I said yes.  Apparently the yeast is stealing all of my water.  Awesome.  She said that the yeast is why I am an obese manatee.  All super awesome great.  KILL IT AND GET IT OUT, COLLEEN.  KILL THE DAMN YEAST.

The water is not at all painful.  I was concerned that I would have - uh - performance anxiety.  No issues.  Except that we had no real results for about 40 minutes.  It seems that the yeast does like to hold onto things in the intestines.  The clinic uses probiotics in the water, which impressed me a lot.  I was praised for taking a probiotic on a regular basis and I like praise, so that was good. 

Results were eventually achieved.  The poop chute is an interesting contraption.  She said that the yeast was present.  I'll take her word for it. 

One thing to note, dear Colleen was massaging my stomach the whole time to keep things moving. 

I've been asked if it was uncomfortable or painful.  The only time it approached anything close to painful was when I needed to "hold it" so that the water could get deeper into the intestine to KILL THE YEAST.  (This was done typically when the probiotics were in the water.)  This felt like the cramps you get when you are trying to hold an assplosion.  But then it goes away quickly. 

The entire process was easy.  Much easier than I thought it would be.  For folks who are interested in going and don't know how to pick a location, ask whether they are self controlled.  Colleen tells me that this is normal terminology for the industry.  (She also said that she worked at a not self-controlled place and one time the output tube flew out and sprayed all over the room.  Her last day there.)  This is a process that is safe enough for children, if your child is suffering from constipation.  The water lubricates the intestine and helps it to resume normal functionality.  (And unlike an enema, it reaches the entire intestine, not just the first bit.) 

They also sell an anti-yeast supplement.  I bought it.  (It came in a glass bottle.  Yay for the earth.)  I'm not taking another Rx anti-fungal.  I will most likely go back for another in the near future now that I am on the supplement and hopefully we will have better results throughout the hour. 

This was a positive experience.  As always, I have few boundaries when it comes to this sort of thing, so feel free to ask questions if you have them.  I don't mind.  Oh, and it was $75.  The pain and pressure in my stomach already feel better, so I think that is worth it.  I would assume I'd have relief, since I lost three pounds just from that.  I am also not as hungry since then.  Not sure what's going on there.

There you have it.  Danielle's First Colonic.

Bronchitis is lame

I have bronchitis for the millionth time due to my lack of respectable immune system.  When I attempt to sleep, I can't exhale properly and it feels like I am choking.  So I am awake.  Here's the more pressing issue:

How in the hell have I taken the following and I am still awake:  1 mg klonipin, 25 mg Celexa, 50 mg Topimax (earlier in the evening); (then at bedtime) 10 mg ambien, 37/2.5 Tramadol, 75 mg Nortriptylene, 1 Tylenol PM and a dose of the good Rx cough syrup. 

And here I am.  Type type typing away.  Coherently. 

Bronchitis, you suck.  I can type, but I cannot speak, lay down or move quickly.  I hate you.  More than Glenn Beck.  So suck it.

Read This. I didn't make an ass out of myself this time.

I participated in an interview for this article.  I think the article is great and really informative.  The writer, Winnie Yu, did a fantastic job.  I'm happy to be included.

Medication Review: Death to Migraines

When I went to the neuro, she gave me samples of two meds to take when I have a headache. 

First, there was Treximet (ooh la la).  I took it yesterday and it worked wonders.  I love the blue pill.  I am afraid to write that I am taking a blue pill because Viagra has the corner on that market, but going forward, my blue pill is Treximet (ooh la la).  (Although Valtrex is also blue, but that pill is enormous and I can rarely take it because it makes me ill.  Damn you EBV!) 

I also received samples of Zomig, which dissolves on the tongue.  I started getting a headache this morning and I thought eating might help, so I kept my lunch date with a super lovely lady lawyer.  Food didn't help at all.  As soon as I got back to the office, all of the vision problems started.  Rather than wait for the Treximet (ooh la la) to work, I figured I'd try the Zomig.  Since it dissolves, I figured it would be fast-acting.  It acted fast, for sure.  But it made me feel worse. 

So, I drove home.  I strongly wished that I lived in an overcast sort of climate because the sun on the way home was absolutely miserable and I sort of stared at the road and not straight ahead.  Fortunately, traffic was light. 

The Zomig knocked me out.  I don't know if that is normal or not.  It a very strange nap, filled with crazy ass dreams. 

When I woke up, I still had the headache.  The light sensitivity and ringing ears have eased up, but the pain is still there.  This leads me to conclude that Zomig sucks and Treximet (ooh la la) kicks its ass.  I know which one I will be asking for the full Rx for. 

In addition, Zomig tastes like ass when it is dissolving.  Why can't they make it taste like mint or something???

I also picked up my Topomax Rx.  I hope that starts working quickly as a preventative.  I cannot stand dealing with these headaches at work. 

The Case of the Mystery Migraines

Warning:  I am medicated on a big blue pill called Treximet right now.  I gather that it is a cousin of Imitrex that has some naprosyn in it.  To me, it sounds like Tresemme shampoo, so I have been singing Treximet, treximet, ooooooh la la.  It has also made me slightly loopy, probably because I slept very little last night.  Now, let us begin today's tale of woe.

As you know from last night's batshit crazy post, I have had migraines for the past couple of weeks.  I went to the neuro today and what an exciting visit!  All was going perfectly well.  It seems that there are new drugs, like Imitrex, that have been invented in the past ten years since my migraines have been under control.  She gave me some of those in sample form and I told her that my biggest concern was the sudden onset.  She said it could be the weather or some other seasonal factors and she asked what else has been going on.  (If you are friends with me on FB, this is old news, so you can skim and skip ahead.  I won't be offended.) 

I told her about The CVS Incident.  In August, I called in a refill of my ultracet Rx.  CVS gave me blood pressure medication instead.  I thought it was a different generic for the ultracet and didn't think anything of it.  Took it for a month.  Thought I was going crazy and had major issues sleeping and thought my fibro was out of control.  You may remember that from here, here, here and here.  Nope, I was taking a diuretic instead of a pain pill as part of my nighty night cocktail.  The issue was discovered when I tried to refill the medication.  It took a while for me to figure out what was going on, but CVS eventually called and said that they screwed up and oh, so sorry, but it shouldn't be a big deal because it is like being on a water pill. 

I was super pissed because I don't need a water pill.  I need a damn pain pill.  I wrote a hostile letter and they gave me a $50 gift card which I am giving away because I don't intend to go back there.  Do you know how hard that is for me?  I am obsessed with CVS.  Now, we have to break up because they made me miserable for a month and then tried to make it better with a $50 gift card.  I don't mean to sound all Lloyd Dobler "I gave her my heart.  She gave me a pen." but that's kind of where I was at the time.

Back to today.  I tell neuro about The CVS Incident and she displays the proper level of shock and disgust.  More importantly, she asked when I went off of the wrong medication.  She said that the wrong medication was very likely the trigger for this lovely cluster of headaches. 

Oh, it's just a water pill, it won't do anything.  If I wasn't well-medicated and pleased that the headache was easing due to the Treximet, Treximet, Oooooh la la, I am pretty sure I'd be writing another hateful letter.  Don't worry, it's still on the to-do list.  Fortunately, I've already switched a couple of prescriptions to Smith's, so now my grocery store can sell my medical info to the same people it sends my grocery habits to.  When the rest of the refills come up, they will also be transferred.

Yes, I did learn that I need to look up all of the generic names, but it is still CVS's job to GIVE ME THE MEDICATION THAT MY DOCTOR PRESCRIBED.  Instead of just going through the hell of last month, their screw up also led to the migraines.  So displeased.  At least I know there was a trigger and this wasn't just new migraines coming out of nowhere.  The doctor did prescribe a new preventative med called Topomax, so I will try that.  She said that should also help with the non-migraine headaches that I sometimes get at work from looking at a computer screen.  

Migraine trigger mystery solved.  Hatred of CVS increased.  So far, loving Treximet, Treximet, ooooooh la la. 

A really bad day

Over the past 8 years, my migraines have, for the most part, been under control.  I get them once in a while, but it is nothing major and I can usually take an imitrex when I notice the aura and then go to sleep. 

Last week, I got one that knocked me on my ass.  I was so nauseated that I needed to leave work early.  I got another one on Friday afternoon.  I managed to get through a meeting without throwing up on any of my colleagues, but I left shortly after that.  Honestly, I thought the two migraines were related to my lady business and would go away after that. 

Today, I got one of the worst migraines I can remember.  As bad as the ones I got in high school and college.  I was moderately convinced that I was having a stroke at one point.  My eyes wouldn't focus.  I had double vision.  I was shaking.  I was nauseated.  Of course, I started to panic and it felt like I couldn't breathe.  I was scared driving home. 

Once I got home, I made the room as dark as possible, which is virtually impossible.  Unless I wanted to hide in the toilet room in the master bath, every accessible room has a damn window.  Big ones.  Enormous windows with too much light.  And that wasn't comfortable to lay on and it's cramped for even me. 

It took forever for the vision issues to clear up.  Then the pain came.  The pain was hell.  Pure, utter hell.  Like being stabbed above my left eye.  A pain that is all too familiar, even though I haven't had to experience it for years.

I've gotten used to fibro in all of its forms.  I've gotten used to muscle pain and the feeling of walking through mud just to get upstairs.  I've gotten used to not wearing beautiful shoes because I have too much fibro pain from the heels. 

I have also gotten used to not getting migraines.  Particularly, debilitating migraines like these.  Three in a little more than a week scares the shit out of me. 

I am going to see the neuro who did my MS testing tomorrow.  I also called my beloved Dr. Garcia and it may be related to the Provigil.  Great.  The one medicine that cuts through the brain fog so that I can think clearly through the medicine haze in the morning. 

Oh, and here's a fun one - after I got the second migraine on Friday, I called my ob/gyn because I thought it was related to my lady business.  She asked if I get migraines with aura.  I said yes.  She said that they don't recommend putting women who get migraines with aura on any type of hormonal birth control.  Interesting since I was told by her to go off of the pill and to get the Mirena specifically because of my migraines.  She knew that I got migraines with aura then.  She said that there is an increased risk for stroke.  Fantastic. 

I am dealing with a lot of other stress right now and the resurgence of the migraines has shaken me.  I am really scared and I don't want to deal with this again.  Not with everything else.  I have clearly done something very bad to deserve this on a karmic scale. 

I just want to be well.  I've spent a fortune trying to get there.  I'm only 33.  I feel like a broken old lady. 

My Transformation into an Obese Fashionless Manatee

Hypothyroidism + candida issues + stress eating = fat ass.  Welcome to my world. 

I am, and always have been, very self-conscious about my weight.  When I got a physical for high school, the doctor told me that 103 lbs. was perfect for my height and never to gain another pound.  That number has been branded into my head ever since. 

In high school, 103 lbs. was far too high.  I wanted it lower.  Whether that meant eating very little or over-exercising, I did whatever it took.  Here's a sample that I think adequately reflects me being a thin girl in high school. 

 
 

I assure you that I thought I was a cow.  With a big ass and huge thighs.  I remember that a friend was 114 lbs. and even though she was taller than me, I thought, I never want to weigh that much.  I never want to weigh more than 103, like the doctor said.

I think I gained the typical freshman fifteen when college started, and was still well within my normal weight range, but of course, I thought of myself as enormous.

When I was in my early 20s and I worked at MBNA, I weighed between 120-125.  I again thought I was a beast and felt ashamed of my weight.  Of course, I hid my horrific fat self in baggy clothes.  This pic is from 1999.

 

When I joined my first gym, I went with a girlfriend who was itty bitty.  I'll never forget when the personal trainer said I had a lot more work to do.  Of course, that meant I was FAT.  I think I weighed a little over 130 lbs. then.  That is toward the top of the recommended weight for my height.  I think this was 2000.

 

So I tried to work out as much as I could.  I remember one time, I stayed on the elliptical so long that I started to feel sick and I went to the bathroom and threw up.  Probably a good sign that it is time to get off the elliptical.  I'm not so sure that I did.  I got back down to about 125 lbs for a trip to Disney with my friends.  This is 2001. (I am the girl with the fanny pack to the right of Mary Poppins.)

 

At the time of my first wedding, I weighed about 137 lbs and was starting to look bloated.  I swore I would lose the weight and never get that heavy again.  By the time I graduated from law school, I weighed around 145 lbs.  (Officially 10 lbs. overweight.)  Suddenly, most of my photos featured only my face.  (This was right after a hair cut and clearly after I had stopped bothering with make up.  I was still working the funkier highlights because I was a mere student and not practicing yet.  I also didn't realize that my natural color was pretty.)

 

While studying for the bar, I stress ate my way up to 160 lbs.  The stress of divorce got me back down to about 145 again. 

2007 is when my health started spiraling out of control.  The weight started piling back on and I was far too exhausted and sick to exercise.  Welcome to obesity.  I can't really find any photos of myself.  Although I have a couple of shots from when we went to visit my fam. 

 

(That guy totally sucked at using my camera.)

 
(I'm eating sugar??  Shocking.)

Of course, this was the only photo I liked of myself from the trip.  Of course, it is because my hair looked so damn good from the soft water.

 

I did start working out a bit because I was getting remarried.  It didn't help much.  I was not happy with just how much of me there was in those wedding photos.  November 24, 2007. 

 
 

  

(But, DAMN, my hair looked good.  Thank you Kristin!)

Even the professional shots show more to love...

 

(Talk about my cup runneth over...)  (And if you are wondering why my make up is so perfect, that's also Kristin's work.)

Here's one from the honeymoon that I probably didn't post anywhere because of my weight.

 

About three months after the wedding, in early 2008, my thyroid issues were finally diagnosed when I went to the FFC. 

July of 2008 was the last time I saw my grandmother before she had a series of strokes and I was only able to see her again in hospice care.  I have a framed photograph of her and my grandfather on my desk from this visit.  However, it's not this photo.  Because I cringe at my own weight.  Yes, I am too vain to display this.  (Look at that arm and those chins.  Gah.)  But I cherish having this photo. 

 

My weight has been all over the map since then.  I avoid posing for many photos and most are extremely select angles, but here is one from the holidays of me with all of the Liss men.  We lost my grandmother only a few short days before.

 

And here's another from Christmas.  There was much butter involved in this little session. 

 
 (Get it?  Lobster got my tongue.  Whatever, I think I'm funny.)

My weight has continued to increase since that time.  Here is a picture from early 2009 when I had the pleasure of a reunion with some of my favorite ladies from high school. 

 

And here's one where I was caught doing things we aren't going to get into, but it really shows off my chins.

 

I don't have anything more recent and I'm sure as hell not taking one right now.  You see, I've gained another ten pounds since then.  I know that some of this is thyroid related.  But knowing that does not make it a damn bit easier.  Part of it is also my unwillingness to give up sugar, like I need to, to get the yeast completely out of my system.  I have given it up in some stuff, but I'll be the first girl to run out of my office for some deposition cookies. 

But this is mostly about food choices.  I am lazy.  So yesterday's lunch was Arby's.  If I'm already having the Bacon and Bleu Roastburger with curly fries, what does it matter if I have pink lemonade with it.  And I had a pint of ice cream while we watched tv at night.  Not good food choices. 

I got on the scale this morning and saw a number that made me want to attack the scale with a hammer.  But really, scale violence is not the answer as this is not the scale's fault. 

Tomorrow, I have to go shopping to buy clothes.  Bigger clothes because nothing I own fits right now.  I have avoided doing so because I didn't want to accept that this was actually my weight.  But right now, I have nothing that fits for court and I look like a stuffed sausage in everything else. 

Thanks for joining me on this exciting photo journey.  I wanted to illustrate for all why I say I have become an obese fashionless manatee.  Also, I needed to chronicle the past to show myself that I've never been happy with my weight, regardless of how high or how low. 

I will start making better food choices.  I will keep fighting to get my thyroid under control.  I will refrain from cheating on my anti-candida diet.  I will start exercising.  I have to.  It is time to stop complaining and to start doing more.  Maybe then I can become a slutty librarian/50s housewife again. 

But for now, I didn't pay for these giant boobs and I DON'T WANT THEM.

More Natural Sugars

I ordered this cookbook about 800 years ago.

It finally arrived.  Looks like I'll be making some new attempts at baking with agave nectar.  There are some recipes that call for honey and that isn't happening.  Nor are any recipes that call for stevia because I hate that crap.  I do want to make that pretty thing on the front cover, but I don't know if my culinary skills will ever be there.

Fibromyalgia Diaries: Health Food Porn, Installment #43

As we all know, I've been trying to make healthy sweets using agave nectar and other alternative ingredients.  [Note, all of the things that I make are "health _____," regardless of the butter content, etc.  If there is no sugar or white flour, it's health _______.]  My husband was the only one who really appreciated my health brownies.  They were dry.  Sort of like stale chocolate cake, but really dense.  Want to know how to make health brownies good?  Whipped cream.  It's no secret that I make the world's greatest homemade whipped cream.  I believe this is entirely because I use super high quality vanilla and I freeze those components for a while before whipping. 

I am happy to report that health whipped cream is just as delicious as the regular sugar based kind that I perfected ages ago.  Definitely a good addition to the health brownie.

 

Last weekend, I also made health chocolate pudding.  It involved carob powder and tofu.  It was ... vile.  We all ate the whipped cream off the top and the rest went into the disposal.  Very nasty. 

Tomorrow, I'll probably make some more cookies.  I finally found grain sweetened chocolate chip cookies, so I may try to make the chocolate chip cookies again.  They were dry last time.  That's one thing that I can say about all of the recipes.  Everything seems really dry...

Sleep Deprivation

I slept well this weekend.  Until last night.  A school night.  I tried every trick in the book.  Nighty night cocktail.  Cold room.  Leave for a change of scenery after 30 minutes or so.  Play Bookworm.  Try to sleep more.  Fail.  Eventually lay on couch with cats and hope for the best.  I fell asleep around 2 am.  Understandably, this has put me on edge today.

Then, when I was driving home, I stopped at the mailbox in the cul de sac.  At that time, my car battery died.  My yuppie panic attacks are notable and not pretty.  My yuppie panic attacks on little sleep are quite a vision.  There was nonstop cursing.  I threw a tantrum because I wanted to put on my pajamas, but I couldn't because I had to wait for various members of the AAA family to visit my home.  Fortunately, the battery is swapped, so I can calm my ass down. 

Hopefully this won't affect tonight's sleep.  I am going to start the rest of the cocktail soon.  I have court first thing in the morning, so I really hope that this is an okay night.  Please, body, cooperate.

Fibromyalgia Diaries: The I've had enough of this bullshit entry

Dear Immune System,

Over the years, I've come to realize that our relationship is chilly, at best.  We don't really get along.  Your constant need for attention.  Your refusal to follow accepted protocol.  Your unwillingness to get back to work after working really hard to combat an illness.  (You don't get a free ride for months after every minor illness!)  Your reluctance to accept healing medicines.  Your arrogant "look at me! pay attention to me!" attitude. 

Let's be clear - there is only room for one crazy unstable semi-narcissist in this relationship.  ME.  You have got to get it through your head that you are not running the show.  I AM. 

Due to the deterioration of our relationship, I am forced to present this cease-and-desist letter.  Here are my demands.

1.  Stop being such an attention whore.  That is my job and I am still pretty low-key about it (except for my desire to be a famous game show contestant). 

2.  Stop wasting my damn money.  $750 at the doctor today.  Because of your insolence, we have to see the super fancy doctor who doesn't take insurance.  It seems that pneumonia wasn't enough for you.  Now you have to rev up the ole EBV again.  I want a commissioned Tiffany Liu painting that I can already see in my head.  I do not want to continually shell out money to deal with your dumb ass.

3.  Stop using all of the same old excuses.  It's like we have a script.  Oh, Danielle works her ass off at everything she does and isn't paying enough attention to me, so I better use... EBV to get her attention.  Epstein Barr is so dull, Immune System.  You can't even come up with a normal illness that people BELIEVE IN. 

4.  Start accepting medication.  Every time, it's the same broken record.  Nope, you won't get that shot and will make me faint if I try it.  Nope, no IVs - you shrink all of the veins in my body.  (What if I wanted to be a junkie?  I'd fail because of you.)  No anti-viral medications because you make me throw up. Nothing at all to heal the EBV so that I can act like a normal human. 

5.  Stop making parts of me numb. You are really going above and beyond lately.  First, you started your crap in the spring and now I can't wear heels.  (Thanks for that since I have a rather expensive and very beautiful shoe collection.)  Now, you have started again.  My entire left cheek feels like there are tiny little bugs are dancing inside my skin.  The IV briefly made that stop, and you got pissed and moved the numb part to my forehead.  Try making it go away forever.  Face, legs and arms.  I'm sick of this shit.  I know I had pneumonia, but THAT WAS TWO MONTHS AGO.  Your time to shine is DONE. 

Do all of these things NOW.  I have had enough.  I am tired.  I am sick of spending money on health care for the same things over and over and over.  As my wise mother would say, knock your shit off. 

With hate,
Danielle

Fibromyalgia Diaries: Dr's Visit Eve Edition

I still haven't gotten a decent night of sleep.  Brian suggested taking two Klonipin and I was all "but MJ..." and he said that still wasn't the same thing.  So I bought a vat of Tylenol PM and I am reintroducing that to the mix and I am hoping for the best.

When I don't sleep, my fibro flares are MISERABLE.  My legs hurt all of the time.  They can be moving, not moving, carried by flying kittens and it doesn't matter.  They ache.  My arms aren't much different. 

The annoying numb patches are back.  My left cheek has been numb on and off for the past couple of days.  I have work the wig of numb repeatedly this week too.

Fortunately, Dr. Garcia had a cancellation and I am going to visit her tomorrow.  I anticipate a long discussion about stress and pushing oneself too hard while recovering from pneumonia.  I also anticipate that my thyroid meds will be upped again.  Hopefully she won't quarantine me from going out in the public.  (Actually, that might not be so bad for a few days until the forest fires quit the smokey desert thing.) 

We'll see what happens tomorrow.  At least she will be seeing me during one of my worst flares with the stupid numb patches.

Fibromyalgia Diaries: Ouch Edition

I have had not great sleep since I messed with the Klonipin last week.  As a result, I am in TONS of pain.  Fibro is a fickle bitch.  Happy one day.  Evil the next. 

Today, I am dealing with massive leg pain.  I'm used to that by now.  My arms are heavy.  Boring.  Come on Fibro, try something new.  Oh, numbness in the apple of my left cheek?  Well, you've got me.  It's new and extremely annoying. 

Please, please let me get a decent night of sleep tonight so that I can get through tomorrow relatively pain free....

More Delicious Treats

I continued baking this evening.  I am much happier with these results. 

First, I made ultimate fudge brownies from the same agave nectar cookbook.  They are delicious!!!!! 

 

 

 

Sorry work people, this is all I'm sharing.  Mine Mine Mine!!!!

I also made another attempt with this morning's cookies, but I made the almond version.  I discovered that if I spray crisco on my hands, it is must easier to handle the sticky dough.  These are MUCH tastier than my first attempt.  Plus, they have little slivers of almonds.  Very nice.

 

In addition to all of the baking, I made quinoa pasta for dinner.  Brian and I ate it for dinner and I have enough for lunch tomorrow. 

 

 

Very happy with this evening's results.  So happy with all of these new treats.  It will be much easier to not cheat on my anti-candida diet this way!  Woohoo!!!

My favorite breakfast

If we are friends on FB, you probably know that I am obsessed with one particular breakfast meal.  Here are the three ingredients:

 

Trader Joe's Quick Cook Steel Cut Oats, Trader Joe's unsweetened vanilla rice drink and flax seeds (which are then ground.

The end product isn't pretty.

 

But it is my favorite breakfast on earth.  I pout if I have to get to work super early and I don't have the extra thirty minutes to make this.  Shredded wheat does not compare to how tasty this is.  I think this also has more fiber than the average American's daily intake.  The rice drink sweetens it enough so that I don't feel the need to put fruit on top of it.  (I am only supposed to have fruit on a full stomach because of the sugar content.)  I highly recommend this as a great, sugar-free breakfast with tons of nutrients.  The flax is also high in omega-3s. 

(Yes, to answer your question.  I clearly had the camera out while I was cooking this morning.  But let's be honest, these are the most cheerful posts I've made about my diet in ages.)

Learning to Bake with Agave Nectar

(Finally, a fibromyalgia diaries post that isn't a complete downer...)

As we have discussed on numerous occasions, I am on an anti-yeast diet.  That means I cannot have white flour, sugar or alcohol.  Based on the recommendation of a very wise friend, I tried Agave Nectar Syrup and it is delightful.  So, I ordered a cookbook on baking with agave nectar. 

 

The goal is to satisfy my sweet tooth with things that I'm allowed to have.  Yesterday, I spent a FORTUNE on groceries and got all sorts of baking supplies.  I really, really want to make the brownies, but it struck me that I do not have a proper pan.  (I intend to go out and buy that later.)  So, I had to start with something that I had all of the tools for:  cookies.

I made Vanilla Crisps. 

 

It felt great to bust out the mixer.  It's been a LONG TIME since I've baked cookies.  I've missed baking.  [I can't cook worth a damn.  But I'm a pretty good baker.  I excel in the art of chocolate chip cookies.]

 

Here's the first batch, right out of the oven.  I suspect that they are too puffy.

 

I am including this photo solely because it is cute. 

 

(By cooling rack, I assume they meant cheap plastic plate from Target that is probably leaking things that mess with my hormones.)

The cookies are ... okay.  They are not crisp.  I probably didn't make them flat enough.  Or the recipe title is misleading.  (I suspect operator error.  Much more likely.)  I am guessing that the arrowroot powder is the thing that tastes weird.  They aren't awful.  But they aren't quite right either.  I will have to try these next with almond extract and some slivered almonds.  That might make them tastier. 

On the bright side, these cookies contain nothing that I'm not allowed to have.  They are made with whole wheat pastry flour, arrowroot, salt, baking powder, agave nectar and vanilla.  That's it. 

Nighty Night

As I have discussed previously, I can't sleep.  This is the main reason for most of fibro related issues.  When I get home from work, the sedation process starts.  Klonipin and Celexa (my SSRI) (you'd be batshit crazy too if you had all of this stuff wrong with you so I don't want to hear it from any people who are anti-antidepressants).  I usually take these when I get home from work.  Then, right before bed, I take the big Ambien (not that CR crap either - worst pill ever) (okay, not as bad as the time I tried Dalmane or that awful butterfly crap, Lunesta, but bad), nortriptylene (an old school tricyclic antidepressant that I have been on since high school for migraines), ultracet (for pain because I have fibro and therefore have pain) and a tylenol PM. 

This is what it takes to get me to fall asleep.  Otherwise, my brain cannot and will not turn off.  (I assure you, I've tried everything and this is what works.  I know my liver is going to fall out one day when I sneeze.  I am not searching for recommendations on other things to take.  I'm simply letting you know what works for me.)

(And, if a certain pop icon died recently as a result of anesthesia, I can sort of understand.  I had it for a couple of GI related procedures and even though I'd only been out for 20 minutes, I woke up and felt like I'd had the best night of sleep ever.  Not that I would go down that road.  I'm simply saying that sleep deprivation is hell and someone had quite a tolerance level built up that makes my cocktail look quite benign.)  (Also, while we're on the topic of MJ, I am on half of the stuff that Perez has considered strong stuff that they found in his house.  Klonipin is clonazapam (sp?) and I take Provigil every day.)

I shouldn't blog with my morning oatmeal because I am not making sense and I can't stay focused.  (No morning meds yet.)  (Patience, people, patience.) 

The real point:  Over the past week, I determined that I have been as tired as a human can possibly be.  Perhaps I could sleep with less pills.  (Less pills is always a goal for me.)  So, I started with the Tylenol PM earlier in the week.  Still sleeping like a baby.  Outstanding.  So last night, I took out the Klonipin and tylenol PM. 

The result was unpleasant.  I woke up repeatedly and was menaced by stupid dreams that did nothing but keep me from resting.  So, next, I will try half of a Klonipin and see if that helps.  If not, at least I have cut out the Tylenol PM. 

Now, I must take my morning pills and prepare for my workday.  (Good morning, World, I'm coming to get you.)

The Living Dead: Not Just A Movie

Oh, why so quiet for ten days, Danielle?  Because, for the past ten days, I've been spending an awful lot of time at the place about which we will not speak.  Very, very busy doing things that we cannot discuss.  Unless you know where I've been and then, UGH. 

I figure it is time for a health update.  These are particularly interesting when I am running around like a crazy woman and have no time to do anything.  Summary:  I feel like ass.  Pro:  I fall asleep easily.  Con:  I am pretty sure I could fall asleep at any moment, whether driving, advocating or walking. 

As you all know, pneumonia is the devil.  The Giant Pill and the Avelox killed everything in me and I have to do yet another anti-yeast diet.  Which is supposed to be no sugar and no white flour.  Today, it included a rice krispy treat because it's been that kind of day.  So, because the Diflucan didn't really work last time, I'm on Sporanex (which I can't find a photo of online and that's a damn shame because it is in the running for prettiest pill I've ever taken and few are more qualified than I am to judge such a contest).  It is working.  Trust me, I know it is working. 

Because of that thing that we are still not discussing, I haven't had a lot of free time recently.  All of my free time is spent sitting on the couch, feeling lethargic.  I think I am past the point where I am herxing from the Sporanex, so it is just plain ole fatigue. 

I am tired, internet.  I can barely be bothered to read Perez Hilton every day.  My husband has broken celebrity gossip stories to me.  The world's gone mad.

Here's how this is going to go.  I'm hopefully done the intense phase of the thing that is still not being mentioned after tomorrow.  After that, if I am not dead or close to it, I am going to take this weekend off.  (Although this statement does not confirm or deny whether I have not been off for the past two weekends.  We aren't discussing that.)  I am going to use that damn elliptical machine.  (I'm pretty sure I will last for about two minutes because I am Fatty McFatAss.)  Then, I am going to the grocery store and buying ingredients to make delicious treats for myself using my new baking with agave nectar cookbook.  

One more day.  One more day.  Please do not let anyone ask me any really hard questions in the next day. 

Typing this has exhausted me.  (That exhaustion may or may not be worsened by the marshmallow treat that I ingested a few minutes ago.)  I am going to the couch and I plan to pet the cats.  Let's hope one doesn't lay on me and crush my lungs because I will be too tired to move him...

I am a broken old lady.

I was in pretty good spirits after seeing Dr. Garcia on Wednesday.  Last night, I had a really bad cough again.  When I got to the office today, it got progressively worse.  Then I started wheezing.  Then it felt like there were bricks on my ribcage.  Of course my primary doctor wouldn't fit me in.  (That's a different post, when I am not as angry about it.)  So I left work and went to Quick Care.  The nice doctor said that it was good that I came in because I need more antibiotics and some other crap.  So, I still have pneumonia and it still sucks.  Yay for me.

Fibromyalgia Diaries: Entry # 89169

Hey there.  <looks down sheepishly.>  Posting has been light, right?  Sorry.  It goes like this:  I feel like ass.  I have been completely wiped out since the pneumonia took residence in my body. 

Honestly, there's been a lot going on in the health department.  Like, hey, I am a huge fat ass.  And, hey, I don't have insomnia anymore - instead, I want to sleep all of the time.  And, hey, I can't concentrate or remember anything for more than two minutes.  And, hey, I'm a crazy moody bitch a lot of the time.

Fortunately, I got to see my beloved Dr. Garcia today.  (I don't know if she realizes that our time together is so exhaustively chronicled.  Here, let's help her out:  Dr. Alina Garcia, Las Vegas, Fibro and fatigue.  That should help if she googles herself, like I do.)  So, my thyroid is not right.  Again.  I hate this stupid thing and wish it would REGULATE AND LEAVE ME ALONE.  So more thyroid meds coming my way.

Dr. Garcia was cool with my executive decision to not get the spinal tap.  However, I think we all know that I had made my mind up on that. 

Because of the big monster horse antibiotics, I have to do some more time with the antifungals.  Not diflucan this time because I don't think it worked last time. 

A lot of the current fatigue is due to the pneumonia.  Too much going on at work to give into that.  Plus, I missed a week earlier this month from it.  Whether I like it or not, there are billable hours that I must pay attention to. 

Honestly, I can't keep my focus long enough to make any of this make sense.  Still not completely better.  Broken old lady.  Should hopefully have smaller ass soon. 

The end.

I Can Find My Soapbox, Even with Pneumonia

Dear Readers, it is probably safe to say that I have an advanced degree in being a medical patient.  I have spent years getting dicked around with tests that go nowhere and doctors who want no part of what I'm selling because I don't fit into their little box.  Let's review the past six months or so. 

I have continued to see Dr. Garcia at the FFC.  I would give the presentations at their clinic if they gave me a free B12 shot and some water.  I love that woman.  Here's the thing about Dr. Garcia and the FFC.  They do not take insurance.  I have bitched relentlessly about the costs in other posts.  Hell, I have that other blog about how much their costs helped the Danielle Deficit.  However, when I make an appointment with Dr. Garcia, I get at least thirty full minutes with Dr. Garcia.  Not the nurse.  Not a PA.  She listens to me.  We go over my past labs and current labs and anything else.  I have gotten accustomed to this sort of doctor patient relationship. 

Earlier this year, I sprained my ankle.  That led to Dr. Doom.  Then to Dr. Gubler.  My appointments with Dr. Gubler were relatively quick in duration, but how much time can one take for that sort of thing.  I agreed that I needed additional tests.  When the additional tests came back, I got a shot that did nothing and I honestly believe was a complete waste of time and money because I don't have tarsal tunnel. 

When that didn't work, I was given two options:  surgery or go see a neuro.  Off to the neuro I went.  Especially because I don't need a scar and a tattoo on the same damn foot.  Neuro spent about ten minutes with me at the first appointment and it was test time.  Two MRIs, labs and other tests done in her office. 

I went back to get my results today.  My tests were clean.  (Whew, because I was worried about MS.)  She tells me that my central nervous system looks fine and have I considered that it might be fibro.  What????  She knows about Dr. Garcia, so I am assuming this was a slip up.  I gently remind her that I have been treated for fibro for years and i was there because the symptoms changed.  Before I could get anything else out of my mouth, she was writing an Rx for a spinal tap.  What?  My CNS is fine, and now I am going for a spinal tap...  An invasive test which will require me to miss more work and will also require my husband to miss work.  But for what?  She said everything else was fine.  Sure, it's nice to rule stuff out, but this is a bit much. 

Also, within the past week, I've had the pleasure of visiting the Emergency Room twice.  First, because the neuro told me to go because I couldn't work my right arm, and that turned out to be a pinched nerve.  But, instead of seeing me in her office, I had to go there to get a cardio workup.  6.2 hours in the ER and they gave me the same stuff that the neuro would have.  Does that really necessitate an ER visit over a quick office visit?

That was last Monday.  On Thursday, I felt like crap at work and assumed it was the pinched nerve or the meds and I went home.  Took my temperature and it was high.  By Friday morning, the temperature was soaring and I was starting to have trouble breathing and I was making strange sounds while coughing.  I gave up and asked Brian to take me to the ER.  Again.  Fortunately, our stay was only 2.5 hours.  My second chest xray in five days.  Pneumonia.  I'm going to be honest, this was a new one for me. 

For the past four days, I have felt like ass in a way that I haven't felt in years.  I take millions of naps.  I cough millions of times.  Sitting up is a huge chore.  (I am currently sitting up in an attempt to see if I can make it through some of my work day tomorrow.)  I realize that if this continues, I need to go back to the doctor.  Nothing annoys me more. 

In these recent experiences, I have noticed a huge difference in the standard of care:  If I want attention from a specialist, I need one who doesn't take insurance.  If I want attention on something "easy," I need to go to the ER.  I can't wait to see what my insurance bills will look like for this one. 

Obviously, healthcare reform is widely discussed.  I think it is total bullshit.  We need insurance reform.  I posted something on FB about my frustrations and one of my friends, who is married to a doctor, remarked that they get about two minutes with each patient and they order a battery of tests because if they miss something, it's on the doctor, rather than the insurance company.  I think everyone can agree that this is the sad state of healthcare in our country. 

So, while I might bitch about Dr. Garcia's rates, it's pretty damn reasonable when I think about my hourly rate.  She has made more progress than 8 years of other doctors have. 

I am respectfully declining my spinal tap until a need arises.  I am simply not giving into the overabundance of testing and making my insurance premiums even more costly for my employer.  I'll stick with the doctor I pay for out of my pocket directly and I'll get the level of care that I imagine most doctors wish they could give their patients.

Adding to my arsenal of medical knowledge

Today, I had the big tests with the neuro.  My arm felt a lot better when I woke up.  Everything was good until I got in the damn car and had to drive.  Pain immediately came back. 

When I got to the neuro's office, was taken to a tiny room with a recliner and lots of computers and things.  First, we did the REV.  Annoying.  This tests your vision and looks at the back of your optical nerve.  It was a lot of flashing black and white squares and it made my head hurt. 

Test #2 was an SSEP.  This was a fascinating test.  Electrodes and shocking bits.  That part wasn't too hard.  Just lay in the chair and let the lady do her thing. 

I still have that nasty ass paste in my hair, but I have enjoyed putting my hair in unusual styles.  Although the tech is not allowed to report official results, she said that the optical test looked okay.  She also said that the SSEP seems to indicate a pinched nerve near my neck which is what the lovely people at the emergency room said yesterday. 

I get the official results on Monday when I go back to see Dr. Goodman.  Until then, I have the pain and nerve meds from the ER.  Those helped me nap today.

During my nap, Brian came home and woke me.  It was about 6:30.  I was having the most bizarre dream.  I wasn't in the cast of Ugly Betty, but Betty was there, as Betty.  We were working on a play of some sort.  It was strange.  I wonder how that would have ended if he hadn't come home until 6:45.  Perhaps we would have been on broadway.

6.2 Hours and all I got was this lousy plastic wristband

Look, here's the thing.  I have taken a lot of medication tonight, so you are going to have to figure out how to navigate this little mess that I'm sure to write.  If I could get into a comfortable sleeping position, this would not be happening.  But, my lucky readers, sleeping hurts, so here we are.

As I indicated in my last post, I have medical shit going on.  (Sorry.  Brian says I curse a lot in my blogs, but whatever.)  Tomorrow, I have the REV and SSEP and i thought everything would be normal until then.  Nope.  Wasn't happening. 

Here's how my day started.  Get up.  Take thyroid meds.  Go back to sleep.  Wake up.  Go downstairs for breakfast.  Realize that right arm won't work.  won't go up and down or in any other direction that arms should go.  lay on couch and hope it will pass.  It didn't.  eat breakfast.  (tricky with limited motion.)  go upstairs.  Demonstrate limited range of motion to Brian.  Brian scowls and doesn't understand that i seriously can't lift my arm without numbness or searing pain.  When I get this across to him, he scowls some more, mostly just at the bizarre maladies that I always have.

I am right handed.  Can't work without a function right arm.  Particularly if right arm is unwilling to cooperate in any way with even the slightest movement. 

Call neuro.  When neuro finally calls back, says that MRI came out normal (this is good because MS is unlikely now) and i should go to hospital to get cardio work up, just in case.  I don't want to go to the hospital.  It takes to long and everyone is covered in germs.  So I try to lay down.  Way too painful.  Reluctantly decide to go to hospital. 

Want to know what is a bitch when you can't work your dominant arm?  Brushing your teeth and getting a damn bra on your plentiful bosom. 

Go to hospital.  Not too many people there.  Assume quick trip.  Arrived around 11.  Basic triage goes rather quickly.  Get ekg quickly.  then sent to waiting room.  much more crowded.  Must be the lunch crowd rush. 

At this time, there is a spectacular male patient in the waiting room with me.  First, his very old wife is extremely mean.  She spends her time doing crossword puzzles and being mean to hospital staff.  He is old.  He is wearing a strange bathrobe with many patterns, one of which may have been an animal print, and I believe it was tied with a golden color cord.  Underneat this robe, he was wearing a long sleeved button up blue gingham shirt.  It did not match the earth tone safari robe AT ALL.  He finished his ensemble with a pair of white socks and suede beige loafers. 

Blood work time.  I am in the same room as the robe guy while he is going through triage.  We are separated by a curtain.  Chatty phlebotomist insists on talking to me to make sure I won't pass out, but I do overhear that robe guy is there for a testicle problem.  Robe guy is instantly renamed Testicle Guy. 

Back to the waiting room we go.  Watch god awful bold and the beautiful.  What happened to Jack Wagner?  He had such a hit with "All I Need," and now he is stuck on that show.  Yick. 

My turn again.  Back to get a chest xray.  Wheelchair ride was fun.  Had to remove bra.  Not fun again. 

Back to waiting room.  At some point, lady comes out to bring me pills and some crackers.  i guess they worked. 

Then nonstop sitting.  As the World Turns and Guiding Light (if that's what I was watching) are the two worst shows on earth.  Then I watched Ellen.  Then the news came on.  By the time I reached the five hour point, I was getting a little punchy.  I drained my phone battery trying to entertain myself all day.  I was heavily medicated, so my attention span only allowed me to get through about 70 pages of my book. 

Complain that i have been there for 5 hours.  5.25 hours, taken into room where doctor will come talk to me.  Doctor comes about 15 minutes later.  She tells me that my tests were fine and that I probably have a pinched nerve.  I need prescriptions.  go back to waiting room.

Get prescriptions.  Neurontin, Naprocyn (sp?) and Lidocaine patches.  Finally leave into the 104 degree inferno that is Las Vegas Summer.  6.2 hours total. 

I had four other prescriptions to refill, so I got the big paper bag at CVS since there were seven in all. 

Neurontin is good stuff.  it seems to do the trick.  But it doesn't last long enough. 

Tomorrow, i will get all of my other tests done and hopefully they can tell me which of my damn nerves is pinched.  (I just sort of guessed when I put on my lidocaine patch.)  (Sorry, when my dear husband put on my lidocaine patch as he kept saying "Boobies!  I see Boobies!."  That's exactly what you need when you're drugged up.  Your husband taunting  you like a fifth grader.  We got the patch on.)

Now, tomorrow is going to be interesting because I have to wash my damn hair.  I do not know if i can do that with one hand.  I hope Brian doesn't have to leave for court that early...

I am going to try and sleep on the couch right now.  Maybe it will help if i have a little nudist heating pad on my shoulder. 

Today

Today is one of those days where I feel like I can't do it any more.  I am pushing my body too hard.  I am fatigued to a point where every inch of my body hurts.  My head hurts.  My scalp tingles.  Patches of my legs go numb without any warning or reason.  Then suddenly the numbness goes away.  I am exhausted.  I can't think clearly.  It hurts to think. 

I have volunteered for too much.  Taken on too many upcoming commitments.  Need to better realize my own limitations.  I cannot do everything.  I am not super woman.  Right now, I cannot be kind.  I cannot be compassionate.  I can focus only on how much pain I am in and how no amount of sleep seems to make it better. 

I can't focus on anything but the new pain and what the new pain could mean.  I don't know that I can handle any new diagnosis.  I need this to be "just fibro." 

Today is a day when I don't know how to keep up with everyone else in the race.  I cannot do it.  The thought of getting out of bed tomorrow hurts my head.  But it doesn't matter if I get 7 or 15 hours.  It is a cycle that never stops. 

I don't make this any easier on myself.  I keep taking on more and more.  I can't keep up.  But I don't want to disappoint.  No one wants to hear that you are tired.  No one wants to hear that you don't want to be around people.  No one is going to give you a pass for fatigue.  Not in my business. 

My scalp won't stop tingling. My head won't stop throbbing.  The tears have started. 

Today has not been a good day.  I am going to bed and hoping for a better day tomorrow. 

I have a brain and a neck! Oh, and flats suck.

Okay, this is a long overdue health update.  I haven't posted anything recently because of the privacy concerns, but that simply isn't who I am.  I have always said that if this helps someone with fibro, it is worth it. 

Remember when I sprained my ankle?  It was supposed to heal and stuff.  It didn't.  Since that time, I have had considerable numbness in my legs.  It is patchy and doesn't seem to come with any sort of pattern.  Sometimes I get pins and needles.  Sometimes it comes and goes.

I had to buy lady shoes.  Little tiny kitten heels and, ugh, flats.  Ugly ugly ugly shoes that I hate.  The shot in my foot did nothing.  It made my skin peel, which was a nice side effect to know about. 

I talked to fibro Dr. Garcia and she recommended I see a neuro since my NCV came back abnormal.  So I went back to Dr. Goodman (another highly recommended LV doc).  It's test time. 

Today I had an MRI (with contrast) on my brain and neck.  (I have both.)  I was concerned because an IV was involved, but the nurse did a good job.  Boring boring boring.  Lots of counting of the clicking noises to try and find the patterns.  15 loud clicks, then 7 soft clicks after a 1 click rest.  That was my favorite pattern. 

I have to get some more blood work.  Lupus and that sort of thing.  Things I have tested negative for a million times. 

Next week, I am getting two other mystery tests at the neuro office.  It's going to take hours.  I will find out my fate on 7/6.  We'll see what fun is in store.  I am not taking well to the flats.  I tried to put on heels and wanted to die.  I can barely wear the kitten heels.  My shoe life sucks.  I don't like it one little bit. 

Fibromyalgia Diaries: Crazy Moody Nuts

Over the past few days, I have been dealing with intense mood swings.  They are generally triggered by nothing.  Yesterday, I was sitting in my office.  During the late afternoon, it was the most awful crestfallen feeling.  Triggered by nothing. 

Today, I stayed home from work because I felt like crap and am getting congested and sluggish.  I started to feel a bit better this afternoon.  Then, about an hour ago, back to the sad, crestfallen, most unhappy person in the world. 

Up and down.  Up and down.  I suspect this is related to a combination of things.  We recently decreased my thyroid dosage.  I don't know if that, plus the yeast elimination, plus attempting to continue taking proboost so that I can continue some of the anti-viral fight. 

I don't like the moods.  It's hard to break out of.  I just want to cry for hours when it hits.  For no reason. 

Earlier, I think it may have been triggered partially because I was unhappy because my low priced food supplement store used styrofoam peanuts.  But really?  That's where I am in life?  That is going to send me into a mood where the sky is falling and the earth is clearly going to end.  What nonsense. 

No clue how to get this one under control.  Took my celexa and klonipin.  Hopefully that will help make me slight more even tempered. 

Something isn't right

I am feeling very unwell right now.  I am in the middle of the yeast detox.  I've had some sugar, including tonight, but it's because I start to feel hypo and I don't want to have problems like I did the first time I did the detox.  My stomach is a mess, which I don't really expect like this after nearly two weeks.  I've been experiencing random numbness in my legs.  My moods have been a roller coaster today.  Quite simply, I do NOT feel right.  Not right in the broad spectrum of all of my weird illnesses.

The weirdest part is the dehydration.  I feel dry.  If I have to talk for too long, my mouth is completely dry.  My eyes have been a mess.  My lips feel like they are going to crack. 

I think another issue is that I'm doing the detox at the same time we are lowering my thyroid dose.  I'm sure that is contributing to some of the energy issues and increased fatigue. 

I'm really not comfortable with how I'm feeling tonight.  More distressing since Dr. Garcia will be out of the office until Wednesday of next week, I think.  Hopefully this will pass and it's just one bad day. 

Fibromyalgia Diaries: Fibromyalgia Awareness Day

I am honestly too tired to do much right now, but it didn't seem right to let Fibromyalgia Awareness Day pass without a post.  Quite simply, I have heard one too many times that it isn't real and it isn't happening and that I don't look sick, etc.

In a nutshell, here's what fibro means to me.  Fibro probably isn't something that occurs on its own.  I believe fibro is the body's reaction to any number of underlying things.  Even though I do believe fibro has different causes, that does not mean that fibro isn't real.  Fibro has changed my life.  Fibro is debilitating.  Fibro has made me weak.  Fibro has left me in pain day in and day out.  Fibro made me think I was losing my mind in December 2007. 

Everyone knows the story by now.  I then found doctors who leave no stone unturned and they find the root of the problem.  They find why the body reacts by causing pain and exhaustion and brain fog.  For me, it is mostly yeast and virus based.  For other people, it is entirely hormonal.  For other people, it is another combination of issues, whether it is a latent bacterial infection or metal poisoning.  Fortunately, the fine folks at the Fibro and Fatigue Center in Las Vegas, particularly Dr. Alina Garcia, have given me hope that this isn't forever. 

Today, I feel like ass.  I am doing yet another round of diflucan and the yeast elimination diet in order to get the candida out of my system.  I am already feeling worse.  I didn't expect to start herxing so soon.  Patches of my scalp have felt numb today.  I want to sleep at any given moment.  My entire body aches.  The yeast is fighting to keep its warm and hospitable home.  This will pass in a couple of days.  The yeast will be on its way out.  Then it is up to me to continue eating foods that don't feed the yeast.  (That has been the hardest part for me, over and over.) 

Even though fibro has often made me feel weak, it has also made me stronger.  I am one of millions who suffer from a chronic illness that other people think is nonsense.  For years, I've had doctors, bosses and friends who look at me like I am a liar.  Like I am someone who needs to suck it up and deal because everyone gets tired.  To those people, I hope you NEVER EVER have to know what it feels like to want to cry because someone hugs you or because your 10 lbs. cat walks across your legs.  I hope you never know what it is like to scream during a massage because someone lightly touches one of your trigger points.  I hope you never know what it is like to feel lost and abandoned by the medical professionals you have put your faith in.  I hope you never know what it is like to refuse narcotics from the doctor and then be accused of making up symptoms in order to get pain pills.  I hope you never know any of the things that I have known over the past six years. 

I hope you do, however, gain some understanding that this is real.  I am not lying.  I am not trying to get out of working.  I plan to never give in to this illness and become essentially disabled from the pain.  No matter how much it hurts, I just work harder.  To prove that I can beat this.  I will beat this.  I will be healthy.  Never, ever will I doubt when someone says they have fibro or chronic fatigue or something else that I don't understand. 

I'm going to finish my burbur infused water and hope that the herxing slows down so that I can get a decent night of sleep.  I have to go to court tomorrow and win, regardless of how I feel in the morning.

Thank you to the Fibro and Fatigue Center staff for your understanding.  I am a huge pain in the ass, and I know it.  I know that I am sometimes the number one obstacle in my recovery.  There will never be enough words that I can say to Dr. Alina Garcia for the way she has changed my life.  With her help, I will get well. 

Detox: The Sequel - Day 1

When I went to Dr. Garcia last week, I was sternly told that my system is full of yeast again and I need to do another round of diflucan and diet modification.  The antibiotics and steroids that I had to take earlier this year messed up my entire system.  Here we go again. 

I got through day 1 without any casualties.  Except that I am still awake at 11:30 because my stomach is displeased and doing cartwheels. 

Today's obstacle:  someone at work (I blame Kellie regardless of the real culprit) brought in a bucket (an actual bucket) of hershey's kisses.  I can't have sugar for a month and someone decides to try and take me down on the first day (Kellie).  Well, I didn't cave.  The only thing I had with any sugar was a kashi breakfast bar and those things barely count. 

Tomorrow should be fun.  We're having a lunch meeting filled with things that I can't eat.  So I will be bringing my own food to the catered lunch.  I'm not sure how else to handle it.  But I certainly can't eat a sandwich on white bread with condiments and lunch meat.  those are all on the forbidden list. 

Fibromyalgia Diaries, #2.71828183

So I went to Dr. Garcia today.  Gave her the updates on the happenings from the last three months, like tarsal tunnel and bronchitis and incredible weight gain and bloat and feeling like ass and how i had to sell my Jimmy Choo's.  (She was impressed with the take on the shoes on eBay though.)  She complimented my ugly shoes, which was the polite thing to do.  She's a nice lady.

Here's where we are.  My thyroid is heading into overactive territory again.  I can feel it.  My reflexologist felt it.  The thyroid meds are being lowered.  She said that the bronchitis can actually cause a spike in the thyroid, so she wants to see what happens.  We'll be doing some labs in June.

Right now, we are not treating the Epstein Barr again.  My biggest issue is the damn yeast.  When I went on the Avelox for my bronchitis, plus prednisone, that ripped up my system.  Welcome back, candida albicans, I'll provide a safe and happy home for you.  Back on the diflucan and yeast detox diet.  By the middle of next week, I will be a raging psycho from herxing and wanting food that i like.  Food like sugar and high fructose corn syrup and syrup and anything else with sugar as a foundation. 

Back to the drawing board.  Pretty much.  That's why I didn't want to go onto the antibiotic for the bronchitis in the first place.  Now, I will go through all of this again and I BETTER NOT GET SICK BECAUSE I CANNOT GO THROUGH THIS DETOX DIET ONCE EVERY SIX MONTHS.  I like fruit, dammit. 

More to come on this, I'm sure.  I hate my stomach.  I hate candida.  I hate that my stomach provides comfortable living quarters for candida. 

Fibromyalgia Diaries Entry #3.14159265

I go see my beloved Dr. Garcia on Thursday.  This appointment should be super exciting because there have been changes.  Here we go:

1.  My thyroid is NOT RIGHT.  I am having racing heart issues and I am extremely sluggish again.  This is what happened before when my dose suddenly became too high.  I want to either lower the dose or go off of it again.

2.  Although I have not taken it this week because of the stupid Diflucan, I am now able to take at least one Valtrex per day and I can also take that awful Pro Boost thymic sublingual crap.  (Which I take at work and the office is guaranteed to not here my South Jersey accent for at least 30 minutes.)  This means that I can finally do something about the stupid EBV.

3.  I'm sleeping generally ok.  I am infrequently sent into silent fits of rage.  So I think the Klonipin/Celexa blend is working well.  We're not going to change that. 

Around 1-2 each day, I am ready to crash.  I think this is thyroid related though.  Again, things are not right.  One should not fear one is having a heart attack as regularly as I do. 

I went to the reflexologist today.  She hit a spot on my left foot and I had a significant reaction, so I asked what she was working on and she said thyroid.  I then told her that I think my thyroid is off again.  She agreed and asked if I thought it was over or under-active.  I said over.  She agreed.  Said there was too much activity.  [Also, while I do not wish to discuss such things with any of you ever, I do not recommend discussing if you are having, uh, digestive back-up type issues with your reflexologist.  That woman is more effective than Miralax.  That's all I wish to say about that.]

Yes, It Is Like Carpal for Feet.

As you may recall, I've recently enlisted the services of the very outstanding Dr. Gubler for my constant foot pain.  Last week, I had to go see another nice doctor who stabbed me with needles and electrocuted me.  (I don't recall seeing that in the torture memo, but it hurts and I would have confessed to make it stop...)

Today, I went back to Dr. Gubler so that he could cure me.  [It is important for you to remember that I am a fibro patient and actually receiving a diagnosis of any sort is a good thing.  When you've been told that you are crazy and there is nothing wrong with you for years, it is nice to know you aren't making shit up in your head.]  My NCV came back abnormal. 

I have tarsal tunnel.  Dr. Gubler gave me a shot of Kenalog right in the tattoo.  [Okay, I think it was in the tattoo.  It is covered with a band aid.  I advised them of my propensity for fainting, so i was sort of hanging upside down while I got the shot, which was neat.]

I am to treat it with ice and anti-inflammatory meds.  This was a kick in the ass because I typically treat my sore feet and ankles with a warm soak in epsom salt.  Oops. 

As part of my treatment, along with the shot of Kenalog, I have to wear practical "structured" shoes.  The full extent of this order has not remotely hit me yet.  I'll be weeping in the closet with all of my babies this weekend, I'm sure.  I never even got to premiere the most beautiful addition to the spring collection...  It is a sad day indeed.  (Look, I'm going to wear them, but it might be freaking summer and it was already 92 degrees here today, so it's already just like summer.  I wanted to wear them in SPRING.)

My foot feels better from the shot.  It's like my heel is a shock absorbing cloud.  That may be because it's numb.  I can't be trusted to tell the difference.  I guess if the shot works, I will go and get it in my stupid left foot too. 

I was trying to start a yeast detox today (again) because of the antibiotics and steroids over the past couple of months, so my body got to deal with diflucan and kenalog.  Good times.  Not to mention restarting valtrex a few days ago. (Look, Ma, no vomiting in four days - it must be a record!)  [For the three of you who now think I have stuff going on down there, I have Epstein Barr, which is a herpes virus (HHV-4) and is sometimes treated with Valtrex or its evil cousin, Valcyte.

I will do my best to heal my stupid heels.  (heh.  heal/heel.  that amused me.  must be the Kenalog.)  But I cannot say that it will keep me away from my beloved shoes forever...  (i.e., Kellie, don't get your hopes up yet.  You'll have to pry them from my dead hands before you get my sculpture garden that easily.)

[Enjoy all of the links.  I work hard for you, Internet.]

Spent by Dr. Frank Lipman

About a month ago, I was reading Goop.  (Shut up, I look at it from time to time.  She is not running my damn life or anything.)  There was an interview with the doctor who wrote Spent.  The book seemed interesting enough and it obviously had Paltrow's seal of approval, so I bought it.

I've got some issues with this book.  Here's the thing, I can't believe this book about exhaustion and chronic pain and digestive issues was possibly written without a single mention of fibromyalgia or candida.  See, Dr. Lipman seems to be making a brand new illness called Spent.  I don't mind how he wants to treat it holistically or any of that.  Dr. Lipman ignores a lot.  I've read most books on fibro at this point.  I've also read all of Dr. Crook's books on candida.  It seems like Dr. Lipman uses the symptoms of both issues and refuses to label it as what it is.  Instead, let's create something new. 

Simply put, I'm returning the book.  This is the kind of shit that irritates me about views on fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue.  They are both very real illnesses. Yet, instead of taking his work on an approach to healing, and applying it to an illness for an illness for which so many are searching for answers, he calls it something else.  Sigh.  Fibro is finally starting to gain acceptance that it's "not just in your head" and now we have to call it something new because he has high profile clients?  Oh, wouldn't I love to see a celebrity spokesperson for fibro so that people might actually believe it is real. 

The book's methods weren't objectionable.  I am simply not supporting someone who refuses to call it what it is.  It's fibromyalgia.  It's chronic fatigue.  It's Epstein Barr.  It's candida.  It's Leaky Gut Syndrome.  It's not Spent, Dr. Lipman.  As someone who has been "Spent" for years, I had years of doctors not believing me until I went to the FFC.  I'm sure as hell not going into my doctor and saying, Yeah, I think I've got Spent, see, it's in this book that Gywneth Paltrow recommended...  I think you could have done something great for people who suffer from these illnesses.  Instead, you try to make something new.  It's not new and it sucks. 

Not a good day

For the past month or so, I've been dealing with the plague on and off.  It was really bad for a few days and then it drifted off.  Last Friday, it got bad again.  Each day since, it has progressed with new symptoms.  Today, I felt like pure crap and stayed home from work.  I had a fever that was rather high for me (99.6, which is high considering my normal temp is in the 97.6 range because of my thyroid). 

When I went to the doctor, I told them my symptoms.  They did their intake business and before you know it, I was inhaling from the nebulizer.  I have bronchitis.  This is mildly humorous because my mom always says, "well, you're prone to bronchitis."  So, yes, I am prone to it and I have it again.  I got scolded by the doctor because I waited way to long to come in.

There was a reason I waited - I didn't want to take antibiotics.  So, I hoped by delaying the visit, it would simply go away and leave me alone.  you see, antibiotics are probably one of the main reasons that I battle with candida.  I spent close to two months getting it out of my system and now I'm tempting fate again and will probably need to do another round of the fast and diflucan when this illness has run its course.

Even more fun, I've got to take prednisone.  Uh, yeah, that shit makes me hallucinate, so I am not really interested in taking it.  I am rather busy at work right now and I really want to be in the office, getting things done.  This is obviously putting a damper on that.  I am not sure if I will be able to get to the office tomorrow.  I can do things in tiny spurts.  Going to the doctor and CVS just about killed me.  I came home, fever had gotten higher and it feels like there is a giant weight on my chest. 

I am hoping that I will wake up tomorrow and be fine.  If that's the case, I will be happy.  I do not want to go through another day like this.

I'm frustrated because of having to take the antibiotic.  I'm also frustrated that I let it go this long and hoped my depleted immune system would somehow fight whatever is lurking within.  Should've known better. 

I am making changes when I am done with this.  I cannot handle being sick so much.  I cannot handle catching every little thing that makes its way through the office.  I am going to make a much bigger effort to take care of myself.  That includes the whole me, emotionally and physically.  I need to learn how to shut down and reboot, just like the foot psychic said.  I'm running on empty too much of the time.  Must eat better.  Must get into an exercise routine.  Must be more diligent about taking care of me. 

Oh, and I am also pissed because I didn't get to go to the Lucky shoe party and I don't own Kelly Clarkson's new CD yet.  My life sucks without it, dammit.

The Democrat in Me Wants to Make a Change/Yes We Can Reference...

Previously on Lost...  Last time I went to the doctor, I was in a bad place.  Just got back from trial.  My grandmother was moving to hospice care.  The doctor told me we would have to break up if I didn't stop putting myself under so much stress.

So, I've been doing my reading and trying to act in the best interests of me and my health.  I have followed that stupid yeast detox diet.  I am feeling better from that, although i'm getting pissed off at how much of my food comes with sweetener.  [HEY, HUMMUS ASSHOLES, HUMMUS DOESN'T NEED HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP.  YOU RUINED MY LUNCH.  I HAD TO EAT PLAIN RICE CAKES THAT DAY.  I WILL NEVER BUY YOUR BRAND AGAIN.]

Since December, I've also been on thyroid medication again.  A different type.  A mix of T3/T4 (sorry if this is technical for the non FFC folks).  I have steadily improved.  I feel better.  I believe that the new thyroid meds, the anti-yeast diet and the removal of certain hormones (sorry, but that's a reference to the lady business bit that shames my husband - yup, the IUD) have made a big difference.

Before my appointment, i had blood work done.  The magic blood lady got blood to come out of my veins and my labs showed positive results.  I'm actually improving on just about everything.  It's not quite perfect yet, but it's improving.  For a long time, it seemed to be going downhill.  I am really happy with these results.  I'm almost not anemic anymore!  My thyroid is almost functioning like it should!  My dhea and pregnenalone are actually absorbing! 

I still have to kick the Epstein Barr's ass, and I will get to that.  First, I want my other stuff in order and then I will deal with the virus.  I believe that my former doctor rushed my treatment and tried to do too many things at once.  (including the whole hormone replacement therapy that I didn't need.)  Things have gotten a lot better with Dr. Garcia.  It's nice to feel positive about my health.  Yay.

Detox Day: My Brain is Torturing Me

Last night, I fell off the wagon a little.  Honestly, it barely counts.  I wanted fruit in the worst way after making smoothies that I couldn't drink.  So I had a cereal bar with a fruit center.  It's one of those health food aisle fruit cereal bars, so there was actually natural fruit and it had minimal sugar grams.  So, while i cheated, I resisted the good stuff (i.e., frosted flakes).  It didn't bother my stomach so i am hoping that is a good sign for when I am "allowed" to reincorporate fruit.

Then, while sleeping this morning, I had a dream.  I won tickets to an afternoon Tori Amos concert in New York.  I went and took my parents with me.  On the bus, on the way home, they were giving out fancy chocolate samples.  I ate them all with glee and then felt overwhelming guilt for having eaten such a thing. 

I guess that's what I get for eating the cereal bar.

Detox: Day Medical Exception AND crossing one off the 2009 to do list

The Boy cringes that I discuss this stuff with people, let alone the entire internet.  So, my apologies to the Boy, but I don't think it is a big deal.  But it does involve my lady business, sort of.  Be warned.

So, I have been super good with my diet.  I am bitching at least 50% less, except when chicken is involved because chicken sucks, as I have repeatedly stated. 

In October, I started seeing a new lady doctor.  She wanted to get me off of the pill because estrogen based birth control can cause migraines.  So, after much discussion, we decided on Mirena.  (Let us be clear that these are not the scary IUDs from the 70s class action lawsuits.  In fact, it is the second most common form of birth control.)  Even though I have not given birth, she was fine giving it to me.  My appointment for the insertion had to be delayed repeatedly because of the hell that was November and December 2008.  So, today was the big day.  I was nervous because my cervix has been pretty well behaved and doesn't cause trouble, so I didn't want to piss it off by making it contort or anything.

Things I learned.  I have a perfectly normal uterus.  I was hoping for one that tilts because that is totally dinner party conversation.  If anyone is considering this method of contraception, the insertion wasn't bad.  And this is coming from someone who has never had children.  In fact, she said I did better than some of her people who have dilated before.  So suck it wussy moms who can't take it.  (I'm still mildly sedated from the meds she gave me.)  It wasn't something i would want to happen more than once every five years, but I didn't kick or scream.  There was some wincing. I don't even think I cursed.  I kept mentioning that I liked the kitty painting on the wall.  That was definitely the pill, but I do wish leslie could duplicate the cute kitty painting that I saw on the wall.  Thanks.

Everyone knows from my past stories that I am prone to fainting spells.  I sat up too quickly and thought I was going to pass out.  That's when I got a glucose drink.  So, technically, i cheated on my yeast diet.  But it was a medical exception, so I do not think it counts.  But, oh, was it delicious.  Fruit punchy sweet nectar passing my lips.  I didn't finish the whole bottle because I didn't want to super cheat.  But, omg, so so so delicious.  Sugar drinks are good...

Back to the Mirena.  So far, so good.  Pretty severe cramping when I got home.  She said that tonight was probably going to be the worst night, but I might have cramps for a few days.  Nothing that 600 mg of motrin can't handle.  (i took the motrin and things improved.) 

I go back in three weeks to ensure that it hasn't disappeared.  I questioned whether that happens regularly and if, perhaps, i might feel a tickle in my throat and cough up the tiny magic device.  She said no and assumed that was the happy pill they gave me.  No, that was something I'd ask anyway. 

So, yes, i cheated but for good reason.  One cannot pass out every time one goes to the dr.  AND I crossed another thing off my to-do list.  Woohoo.

Detox: Day CRAZY

Has anyone else ever started crying in the grocery store?  I'm not talking about uncontrollable sobbing or anything.  Just regular tears and quivering lips and stuff.  Because that was me about 45 minutes ago.  I am strolling through the grocery store, STARVING (since I spent my afternoon at Sears for what was supposed to be a simple oil change and turned into a dude, there's a giant whole in the wall of your tire and it could blow out at any second - what do you mean you've know it was there? - yeah, it can be a problem - no, you can't just patch it). 

I have never been so frustrated in the grocery store in my life.  I wanted bacon, for the nights that I eat eggs.  Of course, I couldn't have bacon because it is cured with SUGAR.  sweet, delicious sugar that fuels me.  Sweet, delicious sugar that has not crossed my lips in 8 days.... 

So I bought more stupid chicken.  And an assload of veggies.  I spent a fortune to buy tahini so that I can make my own hummus.  I don't even want a candy bar right now.  I want a banana and some Yo+ vanilla yogurt.  I want to make tacos with ground turkey, black beans and whole wheat tortillas.  But nope.  Not for me. 

Two more weeks of this misery before I can start trying certain foods again.  I assume that the hallucinations will start momentarily.l

I'm turning into a chicken

Okay, this marks day seven of the detox.  I think it's day seven.  It feels like it has been eternity.  Do you want to know what I had as a snack last night?  A can of green beans.  People, I have to stress to you that a can of green beans is NOT a snack to my people.  Fortunately, it is not a snack to the candida either.

I am still not feeling great.  My fibro symptoms are bad right now.  Herxing still, I guess.  I've been sleeping pretty poorly.  That might be my self imposed yuppie whining stress nonsense.  Hard to say.

I've lost five lbs. in one week.  I can see the difference in my stomach.  The bloat is decreasing considerably.  It is working.  But I'm seriously going to commit a crime to get fruit.  I know it.

Oh, and if I haven't mentioned it recently, I HATE chicken.  HATE it.  Vegetables are also losing their appeal.  I haven't soured toward shredded wheat yet because it is in the cereal family and all cereal is to be revered.

Detox: Days 3 and 4

I had nothing interesting to report yesterday.  I got home before The Boy, so I stared at a banana for two full minutes debating whether or not to cheat on my self-imposed regimen.  I didn't cave.  Instead, I ate stupid chicken and broccoli.  Bleh.

Today, I was also a good girl.  I have determined that I can eat Old Bay.  So I had scrambled eggs smothered in Old Bay since I can't have cheese. 

Here's the bigger issue.  I feel like shit.  The first time I did this elimination diet, about a year ago, I was pissy about the food, and I started to get symptoms of hypoglycemia from the lack of carbs, but my fibro symptoms didn't worsen.  This time, they are hell.  I can't sleep for shit.  I look like I've been punched.  My eyes are blood shot.  I can barely get up the steps because my legs hurt so bad.  I believe the difference is that I am on diflucan this time, instead of nystatin.  This, my dear readers, is what they call the herxheimer reaction.  My symptoms are getting worse as the bad shit dies.  I dealt with this during the Valcyte period.  (At least there are no hallucinations or anything this time.  Although, if there were, I'm prety sure they would involve dancing, singing fruit, taunting me with their sweet melodies.)

I am not giving up.  I am sticking with this.  It is self-imposed this time.  I am getting this round of candida out of my system and then I am avoiding antibiotics for as long as I possibly can.  (I am quite sure that two rounds of antibiotics started this flare up in the fall.  That and my love of sweet delicious sugar.)

Two more work days to get through.  Two more work days.  That's it. (otherwise, I will look like the walking dead soon.)  New T3/T4 combination thyroid meds will be up to full strength dose on Saturday.  Something has to work.  I feel like an old lady.  (yet the real age test says I'm 33, which is a mere 6 months off.) 

I'm tired.  Maybe I'll try to go to sleep on the couch with the nudists.  They are always sleeping just fine. Perhaps a change of scenery will work.  UGH.

Detox Day 2

Today started out with shredded wheat.  Lunch was a big bowl of chopped veggies (as i refuse to call it a salad if there is no spinach or lettuce).  Dinner was shrimp, followed by more veggies and some nuts.  I had a couple of pieces of gum, but they don't count. 

I will get through this.  19 more days.  Then I can start trying to add fruit and more whole grains back.

Detoxing, Kittenagogo Style

Everyone on earth knows that I haven't had a great couple of months.  Well, it took its toll on the Danielle Deficit through stress-shopping and on my health through stress-eating.  When I was in NJ, all I wanted was hoagies, Herr's salt and pepper chips and soft pretzels.  That's a whole lotta white flour. 

For the newcomers, my digestive tract serves as a hospitable home for some rather unfriendly yeast, hereinafter referred to as candida.  The candida are complete assholes.  It makes all of my other issues flare.  The candida thrives on everything that I love:  bread and sweets.  Since I don't drink anything with caffeine, I'm provigil and sugar-fueled.  I owed The Tiny Boy two boxes of Frosted Flakes because I couldn't resist their sugary cereal siren song and I kept eating his cereal.  (I bought him two boxes yesterday.)

One of my library books for this month is The Yeast Connection by William G. Crook.  I have read all about candida and its love of wreaking havoc on my body.  When I first started going to the FFC, I was on Nystatin and cut a lot of candida out of my system.  I felt better.  But then I got careless. 

Reading the book last night was another wake up call.  Candida is connected to so many of my other problems.  But I take comfort in delicious bread and sweets.  So I have ignored it. 

Last time I went to the FFC, Dr. Garcia agreed that the candida issues were flaring.  I started a round of Diflucan.  I found a new probiotic that I like to take in combination with it.  I still wasn't eating well enough. 

So, Dr. Crook inspired me to get it together.  I am now doing a candida detox with my diet.  I ate stupid shredded wheat for breakfast.  (Actually, I don't mind shredded wheat.  I prefer it frosted and mini.  I would also prefer the Frosted Flakes.  Both boxes, eaten in rapid succession.)  Then for lunch, I mostly munched on the veggies I was cutting for a salad for lunch this week.  Had some nuts too.  Dinner will consist of stupid chicken and veggies. 

This goes on for two weeks.  Nothing with sugar or flour.  Nothing.  For three weeks.  Then I will slowly start incorporating whole grains again.  Hopefully this will get things under control.  The candida will be purged.  I will feel better. 

Until that time, I am going to be a complete uber bitch.  Sorry, Internet.  I do not like getting the candida out of my system.  I like feeding the candida.  I like to eat everything that the candida likes.  The candida has an exceptional palette.  But it must die for the issues that it causes with my GI system, the fatigue and everything else on earth that is wrong with me.  Sorry, candida, but you must leave.  I cannot host you and your kind anymore. 

My 2009 Health State of the Union Address

Last year, in early January 2008, I was at the end of my rope.  My fibromyalgia was beginning to interfere with my ability to function.  By the end of the day, I could barely walk up the steps to the bedroom without wincing.  So I made a resolution to get my health in order in 2008.  I did this by beginning treatment at the Las Vegas FFC.  In February and March 2008, I felt like a different person.  Better than I had in a decade.  Then, through some treatment mishaps with a former doctor, things went downhill.  Most of the fall of 2008 was spent in a depression downward spiral.  I started seeing a new doctor at the FFC and we made some changes to my treatment plan. 

By early December 2008, I was running on empty again.  Work was insanely hectic and my grandmother was dying on the opposite side of the country.  To say that I was stressed would be an understatement.  The stress took its toll in many ways.  My health deteriorated.  I was always one step away from weeping hysterically.  I stress shopped my way into more debt.  I stress ate comfort foods (carbs, carbs, carbs) that I know aren't good for me, given my medical history.

When I went to see my doctor when I returned from California, I told her everything.  The problems I was experiencing were different than those that I have dealt with previously.  But a few things were obvious - my thyroid was not functioning properly (I had been weaned off of thyroid and adrenal gland meds in the fall).  I had another raging systemic candida infection.  And, if you want to talk about hot, let's talk about getting a cold sore on YOUR NECK.  As if a cold sore on your lip isn't enough, I got one on my neck and one on my chin during this period.

I am on a new thyroid medication that doesn't make me feel like I am having a heart attack.  I am on a super anti-fungal to treat the yeast.  Getting rid of the yeast also means that I have to modify my eating, which I am really trying to do, but I am a sugar freak (which is how I got into this situation in the first place with the yeast residing in my belly).  Treating the Epstein Barr has taken the backburner for now because I have to get the thyroid and yeast under control. 

I am functioning pretty well right now.  My fibro pain is nowhere near what it used to be.  I am generally sleeping okay (for me, not a normal person).  I don't get fatigued as quickly as I used to.

But...  (there's always a but) I am having an especially hard time dealing with my body.  Between the yeast and the hypothyroid, I am at the highest weight I've ever been.  I don't recognize my body.  I'm carrying so much weight.  It doesn't seem to matter what I eat right now.  Weight just stays high.  Given the events of November and December, I can't say I've been exercising.  For five weeks, I lived in the office and then in a hotel room in LA.  Then I went to Jersey and ate delicious Wawa sandwiches for ten days straight (I know the yeast loved all of that refined flour and white bread).  That is going to stop.  I am going to find a way to incorporate walking into my routine, just as long as it doesn't affect the fatigue.  (My doctor has repeatedly told me not to push myself just because I am having a good day.  Pushing myself can lead to three bad days and the trade off isn't worth it.)

My doctor said that I can't worry about the weight right now.  But it is hard not to.  I don't like looking like this.  I am, quite simply, a lard ass.  I know that I need to give the meds time to kick in and then I should be able to shed the 15 lbs pretty easily, but ugh.  This just sucks.  My self esteem is, let's just say, not so good. 

I am being patient.  I am going to listen to the doctor.  I am going to try not to worry about this.  I am cutting out the refined crap that feeds the yeast.  I am doing well with this thyroid med.  (11 more days of baby doses and then I will be up to the therapeutic dose.)  I am going to exercise.  I am going to recognize myself again.  This is just a bump in the road. 

Here's to continuing to get healthy in 2009.  The ongoing mother of all resolutions.

Sick of Being Sick

[Introduction for the newbies as this links to Wellsphere.  Regulars, I recommend you run along to the next paragraph, lest ye accuse me of repeating myself.  I have fibromyalgia and was diagnosed in 2002.  I hit rock bottom in December of last year and began treatment at the Fibro and Fatigue Center in January of 2008.  It has had its ups and downs.  My main issue (currently) is the fact that I can't sleep and i have Epstein Barr.  Woohoo since 95% of the population has EBV, right?  But my levels are super high and what the doctors like to call "reactivated."  In other words, I've got mono, but I'm not contagious.  And I've had it for a really long ass time.]

Right before Thanksgiving, everyone in Neon city was coming down with the plague.  I was no exception.  I had to cancel my trip to see my family and i spent Thanksgiving alternating between major vomiting sprees and fighting a fever.  Good times.  It seemed to pass after a couple of days.

It's been a hectic week at work, and I've been tired, but feeling okay, except for stress.  Around 3, I started coughing like crazy.  Then we went to the office holiday party.  Had a lovely time and ate a delicious meal at Del Frisco's.  Around midnight, there was stomach pain.  By 12:30, there was a major vomiting spree.  woohoo.

This morning, I woke up and felt like ass.  I ate breakfast.  That didn't work out.  In fact, nothing I've eaten has stayed down.  Not doing too well with liquids either.  I'm dealing with fever issues again.  This is extremely hellish because I have to drive to LA tomorrow for work and I will be there for the rest of the work week. 

This has caused me to enter complete nervous breakdown mode.  Things are intense at work.  I feel like shit.  I am away from home while my grandmother is still in the hospital.  Very high stress.

But when it comes down to it, at the root of this is that I am so incredibly sick of being sick.  I am always sick.  I catch everything that comes through the office because my immune system is so compromised due to the EBV.  My stomach is a nightmare and I can't take the meds that my doctor wants me to take in an attempt to get the virus levels down to a normal level.  My wimpy ass veins can't handle the IVs that they offer, which would fight things off.  So, what do i do?  I can live the rest of my life constantly feeling like shit or ... what is the other option? 

I am at a loss right now.  My body is so busy fighting the stupid virus that has been here for 25 years that it has no time to fight off anything else.  Regardless of how hard I try, I can't live in a bubble.  But I am exhausted from constantly trying to live my life and battle every single illness that I am exposed to. 

To make things worse, I've been slammed at work and have had no time to go to the doctor.  (and when I say no time, I mean that I've been there from 9-9 many days recently.)  But really, what is the doctor going to do?  She can give me another antibiotic, which will also rip my stomach to shreds, cause my candida issues to reignite and throw me into another fatigue downward spiral.  Or, I can attempt to let my body do its thing and that never amounts to getting well. 

Sadly, there is no real conclusion to this email.  I am frustrated.  Right now, I feel like shit and I'm cold.  (unusual for me.)  So cold that I had to find socks and i hate socks and seriously cannot remember the last time that I wore them except work socks (which does not count because I mean warm socks).  So cold that I am wearing a long sleeved shirt and a hoodie stolen from the Boy's side of the closet.  This is annoying and never-ending.

When I get back from LA, hopefully I will be able to get in to see my fibro dr.  There has to be something else that we can do.  I'm not ready to give up, but I'm losing steam fast.  And I just can't accept being sick forever.  It is nonsense and I am not doing it.

It's important to have a strong support system when dealing with an illness

When I went to my appointment with Dr. Garcia at the Fibro and Fatigue Center, I grabbed a handout on the link between hormones and depression.  I read a paragraph aloud that included typical complaints that the patients have that are linked to hormone imbalances.  Upon finishing, The Boy said this:

"That's like your blog.  Minus the shit about Samantha Harris."

Fibromyalgia Diaries: Post No. 1,205,349.99

It's been a while since we talked about the dismal state of my physical affairs, no?  Well, let's have at it. 

Some shit went down in August and I have avoided discussing this.  As a wee lawyer, I am paranoid about the idea of defamation (regardless of whether truth is a defense), so I'm just going to leave it alone.  I will simply say that some stuff wasn't right.  The stuff has been adjusted.

So I'm seeing a new doctor at the Fibro and Fatigue Center.  Her name is Dr. Alina Garcia and I heart her.  She seems to tolerate my particular brand of crazy well enough during appointments.  I saw her for the first time in early September and I wasn't in particularly good shape.  She made some adjustments to my medications. 

We recently did some blood work and I went back on Thursday.  The appointment was a relief in many ways.  I was becoming wary and uncertain if I should continue my treatment there.  I spiked early on and felt great.  Then, due to a variety of missteps, I got worse.  Now, we are trying to get back to better.  (Even during the periods where I felt worse, I didn't feel as bad as I did in December/January.)

So, here's where we are.  My thyroid is pretty much functioning as it should now.  So I am weaning off of the thyroid meds to see if I can sustain that.  My adrenal gland is also functioning normally now, so I am also weaning off of Cortisol.  My DHEA levels are great now.  The only thing that hasn't come up enough is pregnenalone.  My dr thinks that my whacked out stomach may be part of the problem since it doesn't seem to absorb things (like my pregnenalone supplements, food and water, etc.). 

This is all great news.  Number one, I'm thrilled to be off of some more meds.  Number two, I'm glad that my body is learning to do its thing all on its own. 

Two issues remain.  I can't sleep for shit.  Seriously, it's hell.  I constantly look like I've been in a bar fight.  Fortunately, no one can tell since I wear glasses.  If nothing else, the insomnia is gone, for the most part.  I just wake up 210 times per night. 

And, after years of blank sleep, dreams are back.  I assure you, you don't want to have the same dreams I do.  Nightmares are perhaps more accurate.  Usually, I'm being chased.  Or there are scary law dreams.  But they are all scary.  Since I am a light sleeper, I'm always acutely aware that I am having an annoying dream.  So I wake myself up and attempt to start again.  But, lucky me, the dream usually starts where it left off.  So I wait for the rats to gnaw off my ankles or to file the brief days late and receive thousands in sanctions.  Fun times. 

I am tired.

The other major issue is the Epstein Barr virus.  The two months of valcyte did work a bit.  Of course, due to my body's refusal to accept needle type invaders, I was unable to tolerate the super viral IVs.  The doctor showed me the numbers from the first set of blood work and there is a definite drop.  But not enough.  It's still there.  It's still really high.  And it's reactivated or something.  (in other words, I'm still a non-contagious mono fest.)

We tried me on a strong dose of Valtrex and that made me vomit nonstop.  So we are now playing with that dosage to see how much I can tolerate without inducing vomiting. 

I am also on celexa now to see if we can calm the CRAZY during this period. 

New goals:  Sleep.  Kick virus ass. 

(There's a jack-o-lantern bat staring at me right now.  How am I supposed to address serious health issues in these conditions?)

Fibro and Fatigue Center in Vegas

As I was sorting through the Sunday paper today to remove the coupons, I found an insert ad for the Fibromyalgia and Fatigue Center in Vegas.  It seems they are stepping things up and doing some advertising.  Seems wise since that nonsense fibrocenter.com advertises constantly. 

I get a lot of random searches for information on Fibro.  I do recommend the FFC.  I'm seeing Dr. Garcia and I like her a lot.  My treatment has had its ups and downs, but I do believe, overall, that i am in better shape now than before I started it. 

Fibromyalgia Diaries: The Saga of the Stomach to Side Switch

At some point in the last year, I switched from a stomach sleeper to a side sleeper.  Like many stomach sleepers, I had a pillow that took years to properly mold to accommodate my stomach sleeping.  In recent months, I have not been sleeping well at all.  Switching medications was not helping.  I began to suspect that I was sleeping in a contorted position because my neck and shoulders hurt every morning. 

I went to Target.  After much side by side comparison squishing, I selected a new pillow.  For the past two nights, with the aid of my new pillow, I have slept like a champ.  Today, my lazy ass didn't get out of bed until 11.  It was just too comfortable.  Like sleeping on a cloud.  And, due to two nights of restful sleeping, I no longer look like i have been punched in the eyes.  The circles are looking much more healthy and normal.  I really hope I am not jinxing myself, but perhaps this will mean more sleep in the future...