Kitten a Go-Go

That Former Cheerio

[As I skip Track 12 to the Glee Soundtrack, Volume 1]

Boy:  Why did you skip that?
Me:  I don't like Quinn Fabray.
Boy:  Did you just say that you don't like Quinn Fabray?
Me:  Yup.
Boy:  Sigh.  Why don't you like Quinn?
Me:  Because I don't.
Boy:  That's not a reason.  Why don't you like her?
Me:  Because Rachel's a better singer.
Boy:  But Rachel's a better singer than everybody.  That's the whole point.  I'm putting that song back on because I like the Supremes.
Me:  I still don't like Quinn Fabray.
Boy:  Well, Finn's voice is no prize either. 
Me:  No, I like Puck and Archie better.  And I like them both better than Quinn Fabray. 

Shortly After Watching the Hannah Montana Movie

The Boy:  I can't get that stupid hoedown song out of my head.
Me:  [surreptitiously opens iTunes and turns on Party in the U.S.A.]
The Boy:  Are you kidding me?  What's wrong with you?
Me:  I like this song.

...

[Party in the U.S.A. ends.  SexyBack starts again.]
The Boy:  Oh.  Hell. No.  I hate you.  I'm leaving. 
Me:  I'm not going to play this one.

...

[Single Ladies begins.]
The Boy:  Why?  WHY???

...

[The Climb is selected.]
The Boy:  Really?  Again.
Me:  [Smirk.  It's my theme song.]
The Boy:  I'd rather hear Beyonce.
Me:  So, you would rather hear Beyonce than Miley?
The Smaller Boy:  Why is this on again?  You are really pushing my buttons.

Regarding Elmo

The Boy:  The cat's a dickhead.
Me:  No he's not.  That's mean.
The Boy:  He's a dickhead.  He licks the inside of the receptacle that I use for oral hygiene.  That's dicky.
Me:  That doesn't make him a dickhead.
The Boy:  Yes it does.  If I did that to people, it would be dicky.  He's a dickhead.

At a 4 way stop sign

Me:  Go.  Come on, go.  I waved at you.  What is this?  Some kind of game of chicken?

The Boy:  Since no one is going, I would say this is the opposite of a game of chicken.

Me:  Does that make it a game of egg?

Cat Envy: A Conversation

The Boy:  You never get mad at the cat, but you get mad at me.

Me:  He's just a cat.  What does he do?

The Boy:  Oh, Tiki never does anything wrong.  He's perfect.  He should get the cat of the year award.

If you are from NJ, you are only pretending to preach tolerance...

Me:  I don't know who this person is.  Why is this person one of my friends?  Must have been from when I was playing Mob Wars.  James....  Delete.

The Boy:  Was that a guy or a girl?

Me:  Dunno.  Looked like a girl, but one never knows.

The Boy:  Admit it.  You think that sort of thing is weird.  Admit it.

Me:  What sort of thing? 

The Boy:  People who don't know what they are.  Admit it.  You think it is normal when guys dress like guys and girls dress like girls.

Me:  I have no issue with drag queens or trans--

The Boy:  Shhhhh.  Stop it.  No one is here but us.  The cats don't speak english.  You can be honest.

Me:  <sigh>  I am being honest.  I have no issue with people being whomever they are.

The Boy:  I'm not buying it.  You are from New Jersey.  You just say this because you think that's what people want to hear. 

He May Have Voted for Obama, but The Boy Still Hates Clinton

The Boy:  Don't I have a book about Washington somewhere?

Me:  I think so.  Hey, I think you should read a book about each of the presidents in order.  [Completely biting off of Kat.  But she's an awesome person to bite off of.]

The Boy:  That's a good idea. 

Me:  But don't read Clinton.  I liked him and that book is in the Goodwill pile.  It sucked bad.

The Boy:  [conservative stuff I don't remember.]  And HE'S A LIAR.  I don't care what you think.  LIAR.  They don't call him Slick Willy for nothing.

Me:  They call him Slick Willy?  That's funny.  Did Fox News start that?

The Boy:  [sigh]  You do realize Fox News began [poisoning the airwaves] the same year Clinton was elected.  You may not realize this, but people hated him before he was elected.  Regardless of what you think, Fox News does have some good... [zoned out]

[passage of time while I start blogging this because it amused me]

Me:  Is Slick Willy spelled W-I-L-L-Y? 

The Boy:  Yes.  It's funny for the double entendre and it's just funny.

Me:  Oh [laughter].  I didn't get the double entendre.  That is funny.

My Husband Gets All the Laughs

I am home sick today.  I have the plague (again) and it is awful.  (I will be at the doctor in under an hour, which is why I am typing because I am attempting to sit upright again.) 

Earlier today, I made a video of the cats with my phone.  When one is bound to one's bed, there is only so much available for entertainment.  Around lunch, I forwarded the cat video to The Boy.  Honestly, I forgot that I sent it because the video was not particularly exciting and The Boy ignores most of my emails anyway because either (a) I am not funny or (b) he is busy. 

Time passes.  My phone begins playing the Batman theme song.  The Boy is calling!  To check on his sickly wife!  How sweet!

The conversation goes something like this.  (Although, let's be honest, the plague is killing me, so I am likely paraphrasing most, if not all of this.  This does have the general flavor of the call even if the words aren't exactly right.)

Boy:  Hi.
Me:  <garbled sickly moan>
Boy:  Guess what just happened?
Me:  <looking for the light>  I died?
Boy:  No.  Remember that video you sent me?
Me:  <thinking hard>  Yes. 
Boy:  Well, I know you do these things just to spite me, so I hope your happy.
Me:  What?
Boy:  I start to play your stupid video and I turned on my speakers.  Somehow, I hit the phone and hit "all call" into the office on speakerphone.  So, the entire office heard you cooing at your stupid cats.  Wanna know the best part?
Me:  <No response due to laughter>
Boy:  There were clients in the conference room and THEY HEARD IT TOO. 
Me:  <still unable to respond>
Boy:  So then, X & Y walk in and say, um, what was that?  I explain that it was a video that you sent me.  Then, they ask me if it was a porno because you were saying "Good Boy."  I showed them your stupid cat video to prove it.  THERE WERE CLIENTS IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM.  YOU ONLY SEND ME THESE STUPID VIDEOES BECUASE YOU ARE TRYING TO TORMENT ME.  I HATE YOU."
Me:  <still unable to respond due to laughter>
Boy:  [more generic declarations of hate and paranoia.]
Me:    That is soooo funny.

Needless to say, I quickly received an ex parte communication from a friend at The Boy's firm to ensure that I knew what happened.  Of course, I sent her a voice note (gotta love the BlackBerry) saying Good Boy, The Boy, Good Boy, just in case she wants to use it at a later date when he is being difficult.

In conclusion, I'm hilarious even when I don't try.  That's the sign of a true gift.

When would I cross party lines: Politics AND Birds

The Boy:  Do you believe that you are capable of being intellectually honest about this administrations successes AND failures?  Including if they are overly liberal?

Me:  Yes.

The Boy:  What if there is a pro-choice Republican running against him in 4 years?  Would you vote for that person?

Me:  I will vote for the best candidate.

The Boy:  But that's your litmus test, so would you?

Me:  I don't think that's going to happen.  Sarah Palin has a committee for 2012.

The Boy:  She has a committee, but she won't get nominated.

Me:  I'd vote for Christie Whitman.  I liked her.

The Boy:  I wish she'd run.  I liked her too.  She's not attractive enough though.

Me:  She looks like a bird.

The Boy:  But not an attractive bird like you.

A Different Kind of Food Network

Theresa:  Porno music makes me fall asleep.  Baw chicka bow wow and I'm ready to go to sleep.

Pablo:  So you admit that you've watched porn?

Theresa:  My mom had the Spice Channel.  She ordered it because she thought it was a cooking channel.

Conversations in South Jersey

Pablo:  "Have you ever heard Hell Yeah?  No?  Well, ________ and dimebag darryl were real brothers in Pantera, and after ??? was shot, he started a band called hell yeah." 

Pablo:  "Dave's friend is on You Tube.  He does a cover of hooker with a penis."
Me:  <staring blankly>
Pablo:  "Have you ever heard Hooker with a Penis by Tool?"
Me:  <shaking head and staring blankly>
Pablo:  "_____ from Tool had a sex problem and got a prostitute and ...
Me:  The hooker had a penis?
Pablo:  Yeah.

Waitress:  "Can I get you something to drink?"
Me:  "Just water."
Waitress:  "Do you want bottled or from the spicket [sic]?"
Me:  "Uh, yeah, tap is fine."

Me:  "Do you think that they would let me come in in a pair of heels and take a photo with that deer for Vegas in Heels goes to South Jersey?"
Pablo:  "Can't you read?  The sign says 'Please don't touch.  Fragile.'"
Me:  "Is that a no?"
Pablo:  "Probably."

Dad/Guy Fieri's Evil Twin/Walmart Romeo:  "Look, it's convenient.  You can get a nice meal and have your deer weighed."
Me:  <staring blankly and eyes widen as I suddenly realize that it really means that there are dead deer nearby being weighed because there are three hunters getting into their vehicles.>

Pablo:  "I like this guy.  He's real.  He used to be a cop."
Me:  "Didn't he used to be Jerry Springer's body guard?"

TV:  "Teen Paternity Secrets Revealed."

It's important to have a strong support system when dealing with an illness

When I went to my appointment with Dr. Garcia at the Fibro and Fatigue Center, I grabbed a handout on the link between hormones and depression.  I read a paragraph aloud that included typical complaints that the patients have that are linked to hormone imbalances.  Upon finishing, The Boy said this:

"That's like your blog.  Minus the shit about Samantha Harris."

This would not fly in Pine Valley

The Boy:   Who is Erica Kane?

The Boy:  You can't just ignore me.  WHO IS SHE?

The Boy:  Come on. 

Me:  You can google it.  This is embarrassing.

One Cat + One Pink Spot + One Five Year Old =

[Over Cereal.  Raisin Bran for me.  Monster Crunch for the Tiny Boy.]

Tiny Boy:  Oh, and I was playing with Elmo and I noticed that he had a pink spot on his leg.  [NOTE:  He always has pink spots on his legs.  Frankly, most of the cat turns pink.] 

Me:  Okay.

Tiny Boy:  And I wanted to help him, so I went upstairs and I got a Backyardigans band aid and I put it on him.

Me:  [sigh] What did he do?

Tiny Boy:  Nothing.  It kept falling off.

Me:  Where is the band aid now?

Tiny Boy:  It's just sitting next to him near the window. 

Me:  Okay.

Complete hearsay, but too funny not to share (As told to The Boy)

Tiny Girl/Boy's Mother:  Tiny Girl, why weren't you allowed to go to the party?

Tiny Girl:  Because I was naughty and I wouldn't go to sleep.

Tiny Girl/Boy's Mother:  Tiny Boy, why weren't you allowed to go to the party?

Tiny Boy:  Because I was being a complete asshole.

[Note:  Neither The Boy nor I said that he was being a complete asshole.  I believe we used naughty and begged him to stop acting like a demon.  But, let's be honest, he used the phrase correctly, given the circumstances.  He's not even six and he is understanding cursing context.  I smell genius.]

Conversation with a Little Girl

Me:  [dramatic screams] I was just attacked by a lion.  On my bosoms.

Little Girl:  Those aren't bosoms.

Me:  Well, then, what are they?

Little Girl:  Those are boobies.

Me:  Oh, I see.  My mistake.

Any guesses on who I was talking to?

Me:  "You are not a snake and you are not going to kill him.  Break it up!" 

It's about confidence...

The Boy:  Um, is this Kat your flickr friend?  She seems to be talking a lot of shit here.

Me:  No, she's a blog friend.  Remember, she's the actress that we saw on Dirty Sexy Money that one time and I pointed her out.

The Boy:  Oh, right.  In the crowd scene.  Think she can beat you?

Me:  No. 

My Quest For Savings Is Boring To Some

Me:  And I signed up for the NY & Company email list and I got a coupon for 20% off.
The Boy:  Yeah...
Me:  I know you don't care.  That doesn't mean that I will stop talking about it.
The Boy:  I care on a macro level.  The details don't mean much.  Do you know what I mean?
Me:  Right, you care that I'm saving money, but you don't care how I do it.
The Boy:  Right, because if I cared, I'd do it myself.  And I'm not going to because...  Well, you like to do that sort of thing, you know...
Me:  <scowl/smart chicken face> It's a hobby.
The Boy:  But it's a counting hobby and you love counting.
Me:  I do.

Recap of my savings for the weekend:  I implemented all of my savings strategies this weekend and I saved about $170 on stuff that I would have bought most likely at full price otherwise.  Praise me, dear readers, PRAISE ME. 

The Purple Pie Man

Me:  [blah blah blah blah blah about supplement drink thing] and the berry is the grossest thing ever.  I should have stuck with the citrus.

The Boy:  So, you would say it was a berry bad decision?

Me:  Did you seriously just say that?  Do you think you are Strawberry Shortcake?  Ohmigod.  I am so embarrassed.  That was simply reprehensible.  Don't ever do that again.

The Boy:  I'm funny.

A Saturday night in Toys R Us where the keyboards are

Me:  Hey, Tiny Girl, do you know what this is?

Tiny Girl:  Yeah...  Can you play Twinkle Twinkle?

Me:  [staring blankly even though I fully comprehend that she is 3]  That's what I am playing.

Tiny Girl:  Then can you play Rock a Bye Baby instead?

Me:  No, I don't know that one.  Wait, do you know this one?

Tiny Girl:  Yes.  That's Mary Little Lamb.  Hey, listen to what I can do...

Me:  That's loud.

Tiny Girl:  Listen!  Listen to this!!!!

Me:  [muttering more to self and keyboard]  but can you do this?  I don't think so.  That, Tiny Girl is the melody of Eine Kleine Nachtmusik.  Because I am awesome.

Tiny Girl:  Can we go back to the girl aisles?

El Gato Blanco

"elmo."

....

"elmo!"

.........

"ELMO!!!"

......

"Maybe he doesn't speak English.  Elmisimo!"

......

"White cat!!"

....

"Gato Blanco!!!!"

.....

"CAT!!!!""

.....

[snapping, clapping and stomping.]  "He finally looked at me."

[looking something like this.]

If, in my oral steroid induced stupor, I had been pulled over by a police officer on the drive to work, the following conversation would have happened...

Officer:  Ma'am, do you know why I pulled you over?

Me:  For riding my pink glitter unicorn to work

Portrait time

Me:  Just put it on him and plop him over here.
The Boy:  Maybe you shouldn't be doing this...
Me:  Just shut up and help me.

...

The Boy:  What is wrong with him?
Me:  I don't know.  The hat makes him go backwards.
The Boy:  No, really.  Maybe you shouldn't do this...
Me:  Well, doesn't it explain why the last card happened?

[This card is Pal, my dearly departed little guy in a portrait that won people over from coast to coast.]

He Finally Admits It To Be True

The Boy:  So, Jo Ann is going to shave her head?

Me:  Um...  Yes, YES SHE IS.  Because Hillary is going to win. 

Freudian Slips Are Often Funny

Me:  Dude, you have to hear this shit.  [read the following aloud.]

The Boy:  Are you kidding me?  I thought Europe was supposed to be so enlightened.  You really can't f*ck a bike?  I mean, who is it hurting?  Unless of course he catches his wiener in the spokes.

Me:  [laughter]

The Boy:  I cannot believe someone would be erected... shit, i mean arrested for f*cking a bike.

While giving out candy...

"Those two boys weren't wearing costumes."

"That cheerleader was a zombie."

"This is the second time they were here.  It was the boys wearing no costumes."

"Did I just give away a white cat?"

This happened at my annual ob/gyn appointment.

Person taking a, um, sample for a pap smear:  You have a lovely and perfectly healthy looking ...

Seriously.  She said that.  About the lady business that I don't want to blog about because imagine the searches that i would get then.  Tampon instructional video would be obsolete.  it would all be about a perfectly healthy ...

This Text Conversation Is Entirely Leslie's Fault Because She Got SIXTH ROW Tickets For The Atlantic City Show

Me:  Will u go see tom jones w me?

The Boy:  Oh good lord...

Me:  Is that a yes?

The Boy:  Sure.

Me:  U will throw him some manties.  It isn't gay.  It is a sign of respect.

This was followed by a lot of laughter.

Tiny Boy:  [Tiny Girl] just said she was gonna beat my ass.

Smart Chicken Foghorn Leghorn

Me:  So I look like that smart chicken with my glasses on?

Boy:  Yeah.

Me:  But I don't look like him now?

Boy:  No.

Me:  Who do I look like now?

Boy:  That smart chicken without his glasses.

On Britney's VMA Performance

The Boy:  Hitting rock bottom should never be so public.

You better believe I'm eating some almonds now

This email exchange just occurred. 

On 8/6/07, Danielle wrote:

because you are a bitch and you ALWAYS side with tiki.

On 8/6/07, Stefanie wrote:

I am laughing really hard right now.

On 8/6/07, Danielle wrote:

good girl.  to reward you, i am going to eat some smokehouse almonds instead of cookies. 

because, you see, there is some stress right now.  i drive up to the house and there is a stream of litter from where our trash bag was into the street.  someone was kind enough to break the bag.  assholes. 

then i get into the house.  there is a $50 bag of food that had been leaning against the wall that was tipped and clawed open so that the cats could help themselves.  i yell at them and tiki dignifies my yelling by going up to the opening and eating more food.  [Deleted curse.]

This happened in the kitchen and it was completely clean, but it sounds inherently dirty.

Me:  Did you just try to steer me with my boobs?
Boy:  Aren't they attached to your rudders?

Accepting Nekkid Paternity

The Boy:  Huh?  How would you like it if I followed you around?  Huh?  How would you like it if I bugged you all day?  Huh?  How would you like it if I bit you?

Me:  Did you just bite Elmo?

The Boy:  So what if I did?

At the Deli Counter in Smith's

Me:  So...Does anyone ever buy that giant piece of cheese that costs $180?
Guy:  There is $180 cheese over there?
Me:  Yeah.  It's big.  Huge, even.
Guy:  What kind is it?
Me:  Gruyere.
Guy:  That stuff makes my tongue itch.

Little Knut

So, the Boy doesn't believe in global warming or something.  He seems to blame a lot of the press on polar bears.  Mostly, he frequently declares his hatred for them.  Particularly this little guy.

It seems that little Knut received a death threat today.  We had a discussion about it.  He wants to file an Amicus Brief joining the sentiment.  Another discussion just ensued.  It went something like this.

Me:  Your soul is made of tar.
Boy:  Look, I'm not saying I want him to die.  I'm fine with it if he lives.  But, you know, whatever.

Easter Conversation

Brother of the Boy:  Look, I respect cats as a species, but I don't think they should be allowed inside.  They are too smart and they are rude.

I don't even eat these and I'm from South Jersey

Boy:  The only thing better than pork rinds is spicy pork rinds.  It's like pig fat with bite.

Brush your teeth before bed

Boy:  You have mood swings.  You have not been like this for the past three days.
Me:  I've had my period.  (Said with a mouthful of toothpaste)
Boy:  So, I think I just need to stay away from you while you have your period. 
Me:  [blank stare]
Boy:  You either control your moods or you get isolated.  Just like Iran...

Breathing Right

Me:  [bends down to pick up unidentified beige object on carpet]  Is this a Breathe Right strip?
Boy:  [comes over for inspection purposes] Yeah.
Me:  Why is this on the floor?  Have the cats been using it as a toy?
Boy:  Looks like it.

...
Me:  What is this?  [Feels something strange and plastic like on Boy's pillow]  Is it another Breathe Right strip?
Boy:  [Feels the area in question]  Heh, yeah.
Me:  You know, they might help with the snoring a little more if you would keep them on your damn nose.

The sweetest treat of all

Boy:  You smell sweet.  What did you eat that was sweet?

Tiny Girl:  I don't know.  Bacon?

Because I'm an outstanding witness, that's why.

"Why?  WHY?  Why do I have to depose you whenever I ask you a general question?"

Oh, Bring It, Bitch

Me:  I really want to talk about the exciting political news that I read today, but I don't want to talk about it with you.

Boy:  What are you talking about?

Me:  I don't want to talk about it with you.

Boy:  What?

Me:  Hillary declared her candidacy or whatever.

Boy:  Oh, I saw that already.  You're all a bunch of easily led automatons. 

[Little did I know his Republican ass was quoting Clerks at me.  2008 is going to be fun.]

All you need on this one is the ending

"Dude, did you seriously just offer to fight Detective Olivia Benson?  Television's hottest lady detective?"

The Malevolent Buddhist Strikes Again

Me:  How was church?
Boy:  Fine.  Thank you.  I won't even acknowledge that you don't care.
Me:  Why can I not care about how church was?
Boy:  Because you are a pagan.
Me:  <giggle>  I can't ask a question about church because I am a pagan?
Boy:  Right. 
Me:  <giggle>  I'm blogging this too.
Boy:  You're going to make everyone think I'm a Jesus Freak.

Forsaken for 90s Alternative Rock

[On the way back from a trip for three things at Smith's that turned into full blown grocery shopping.  The Boy was on a time crunch because he wanted to make 4:00 mass.  As usual, keep in mind that I am a malevolent Buddhist trying to undo the wicked chains of Christianity and Catholicism in particular.]

"Shit, I love this song.  Why does it have to come on when we are so close to the house?"
"Um, do you want me to drive around the block or something?"
"No."
... [Enter garage]
... "well, sit here and listen to it."
"No.  NO.  Now, see, you are trying to pit Jesus against Alice In Chains."

I don't know why I keep transcribing Text conversations, but this one also struck me as funny

Me:  Btw, this place is pretty much sold out.
Boy:  What place?
Me:  Dude, how much gin hv u had?  u knw whr i m!  dwts.
Boy:  Dude shut up.
Me:  Footloose ws almost a zen experience.  i mean seriously.
Me:  Baby will u take ballroom dance classes w me?
Boy:  Yes I would.

I suppose this one could use a little background.  DWTS is Dancing with the Stars LIVE.  For my thoughtful review, you may see the previous post.  The Boy was out with his family celebrating his mother's birthday at a fancy steak place on the strip.  I, on the other hand, had a concession stand soft pretzel for dinner.  The other humorous part is that the Boy doesn't dance.  Not even a little.  He has sworn off dancing and cringes at the thought of it.  Yet, I took advantage of what I viewed as a gin soaked opportunity.  I am documenting here simply because I want the proof.  Mark my words, we will be in the slim fast challenged for next year's tour.

A conversation in which I get duped by a two year old

Tiny Girl:  Will you open these?
Me:  Sure.  Are you sure you are supposed to have these?
Tiny Girl:  [nodding]  Yes.
Me:  Okay.  Here, have the bracelet.
Tiny Girl:  Don't tell Daddy that I have candy, ok?
Me:  Tiny Girl, would your daddy let you have this candy?
Tiny Girl:  No. 
Me:  Did you bring the candy in here and close and lock the door because you knew I would say yes?
Tiny Girl:  Yes.
Me:  Tiny Girl, did you try to trick me?
Tiny Girl:  Yes.  It worked.

Another Text Message Conversation

Me:  Yeah.  I m. exhausted.  R u hiding in the garage?
Boy:  No.  why?  why r u exhausted.
Me:  Cant keep up w the girl.  She is the new ambien.
Boy:  R u being an evil stepgirlfriend?
Me:  No.  She just put a bow on tiki.  lol.
...
Me:  They like rock candy.
Me:  R u in mexico?  R U @ THE LODGE?
Boy:  5 mins.
Me:  I will b dead in 10.  just in case u wnt 2 say goodbye.