Here's your warning: This is about a colonic. Turn back now.

I'm serious.  I am going to talk about Danielle's First Colonic.  IN DETAIL.  If you aren't ready to deal with this sort of topic, I am giving you ample time to click the back button.  Go away.  Shoo.  Run along. 

I'm now going to insert a large picture of Elmo doing weird things with his face and that's your last chance before we seriously start talking about ass.

 

So here we are.  I am going to assume that you have gotten here because you want to know about the topic that has been disclosed above.  MY FIRST COLONIC.  INVOLVING MY ASS.  INVOLVING A POOP CHUTE. 

I haven't been writing much because life is the same old boring cycle.  I start doing better and I take my anti-fungals and then I get sick and then I try to get better, but then I get sicker, so then I take antibiotics and then I get more yeast in my intestines and then the cycle repeats.  The problem is that the anti-fungals are ripping my system to shreds lately.  Like other side effects that even I don't want to discuss.  So after the pneumonia bronchitis, I decided that I didn't want to do the anti-fungals again.  I figured I do what I do best.  Play unlicensed medical practitioner with one patient - ME.  I researched and researched and decided to go back to the place where I had my last detox foot bath, Cleansing Waters.  (Because I got a tour.) 

I had no intention of telling people what I was doing until I told a couple of friends and discovered that this is something that people are curious about.  One friend asked for pictures.  I refused repeatedly.  Then I agreed to take one.  Here it is.  (Taken by my phone, so I apologize for poor quality.)  This is where the magic happened.  BEFORE it happened.

 
So, what you see here is the water purification system.  It's triple purified.  That's also the fancy pants toilet.  One lays on ones back with a tiny pencil sized tube in one's ass which is shooting water into one's intestines and that is where the magic happens.  Now, see that tiny square to the left of the bed?  That's the poop chute.  Everything that comes out of you goes flying by in a clear chute so that you can look at it.  (Here's the thing, you'll want to.)

I had a lovely colon therapist named Colleen.  I put my gown on and she opened my ass tube in front of me.  She said to always be sure that the CT (colon therapist) opens your ass tube in front of you so that you know it is sterile and new.  Wise words considering the scandal in Vegas with the reused stuff at the Colonoscopy centers that spread hep c.  She asked if I wanted to insert it or her.  Um, her.  Thanks.  No discomfort.  A fine professional. 

BEST PART:
Colleen:  So, how old are you?
Me:  33.
Colleen:  Really?  You're 33?  You don't look 33.
Me:  I love you.

We were off to a good start.  Since she's been doing this for 8 years, she chatted away.  I told her about my yeast issues.  She has gone through similar problems.  We discussed my chronic constipation (sorry folks, but well, it's an issue) and she told me how that's the yeast.  She asked if I was always thirsty and I said yes.  Apparently the yeast is stealing all of my water.  Awesome.  She said that the yeast is why I am an obese manatee.  All super awesome great.  KILL IT AND GET IT OUT, COLLEEN.  KILL THE DAMN YEAST.

The water is not at all painful.  I was concerned that I would have - uh - performance anxiety.  No issues.  Except that we had no real results for about 40 minutes.  It seems that the yeast does like to hold onto things in the intestines.  The clinic uses probiotics in the water, which impressed me a lot.  I was praised for taking a probiotic on a regular basis and I like praise, so that was good. 

Results were eventually achieved.  The poop chute is an interesting contraption.  She said that the yeast was present.  I'll take her word for it. 

One thing to note, dear Colleen was massaging my stomach the whole time to keep things moving. 

I've been asked if it was uncomfortable or painful.  The only time it approached anything close to painful was when I needed to "hold it" so that the water could get deeper into the intestine to KILL THE YEAST.  (This was done typically when the probiotics were in the water.)  This felt like the cramps you get when you are trying to hold an assplosion.  But then it goes away quickly. 

The entire process was easy.  Much easier than I thought it would be.  For folks who are interested in going and don't know how to pick a location, ask whether they are self controlled.  Colleen tells me that this is normal terminology for the industry.  (She also said that she worked at a not self-controlled place and one time the output tube flew out and sprayed all over the room.  Her last day there.)  This is a process that is safe enough for children, if your child is suffering from constipation.  The water lubricates the intestine and helps it to resume normal functionality.  (And unlike an enema, it reaches the entire intestine, not just the first bit.) 

They also sell an anti-yeast supplement.  I bought it.  (It came in a glass bottle.  Yay for the earth.)  I'm not taking another Rx anti-fungal.  I will most likely go back for another in the near future now that I am on the supplement and hopefully we will have better results throughout the hour. 

This was a positive experience.  As always, I have few boundaries when it comes to this sort of thing, so feel free to ask questions if you have them.  I don't mind.  Oh, and it was $75.  The pain and pressure in my stomach already feel better, so I think that is worth it.  I would assume I'd have relief, since I lost three pounds just from that.  I am also not as hungry since then.  Not sure what's going on there.

There you have it.  Danielle's First Colonic.

Comments

[Jo Ann (Colonic Free in Philly)]

I searched all over for a "hope your colon is feeling better" card, alas, none was found. Please feel better, missy. I miss you.

[Jo (not my real name - shy, embarrass easily, and somewhat prudish remember)]

Thank you so much for writing about your experience. I have always wanted to have a colonic (I have chronic constipation and yeast issues also), but I am incredibly shy, somewhat prudish, and embarrassed easily in these types of situations. I cry during GYN exams for instance. Now that I've read about your experience I will REALLY think about doing the colonic. They were nice to you, right? Not embarrassing? Thank you again.

[cjcrash]

I did a whole series of these a while ago and part of me feels like it helped with the cramps I was having and part of me doesn't. I would be willing to go back again but it does get expensive. My place wasn't as fancy and if perhaps some place like where you went wouldn't have been better. Keep us updated.