My Transformation into an Obese Fashionless Manatee

Hypothyroidism + candida issues + stress eating = fat ass.  Welcome to my world. 

I am, and always have been, very self-conscious about my weight.  When I got a physical for high school, the doctor told me that 103 lbs. was perfect for my height and never to gain another pound.  That number has been branded into my head ever since. 

In high school, 103 lbs. was far too high.  I wanted it lower.  Whether that meant eating very little or over-exercising, I did whatever it took.  Here's a sample that I think adequately reflects me being a thin girl in high school. 

 
 

I assure you that I thought I was a cow.  With a big ass and huge thighs.  I remember that a friend was 114 lbs. and even though she was taller than me, I thought, I never want to weigh that much.  I never want to weigh more than 103, like the doctor said.

I think I gained the typical freshman fifteen when college started, and was still well within my normal weight range, but of course, I thought of myself as enormous.

When I was in my early 20s and I worked at MBNA, I weighed between 120-125.  I again thought I was a beast and felt ashamed of my weight.  Of course, I hid my horrific fat self in baggy clothes.  This pic is from 1999.

 

When I joined my first gym, I went with a girlfriend who was itty bitty.  I'll never forget when the personal trainer said I had a lot more work to do.  Of course, that meant I was FAT.  I think I weighed a little over 130 lbs. then.  That is toward the top of the recommended weight for my height.  I think this was 2000.

 

So I tried to work out as much as I could.  I remember one time, I stayed on the elliptical so long that I started to feel sick and I went to the bathroom and threw up.  Probably a good sign that it is time to get off the elliptical.  I'm not so sure that I did.  I got back down to about 125 lbs for a trip to Disney with my friends.  This is 2001. (I am the girl with the fanny pack to the right of Mary Poppins.)

 

At the time of my first wedding, I weighed about 137 lbs and was starting to look bloated.  I swore I would lose the weight and never get that heavy again.  By the time I graduated from law school, I weighed around 145 lbs.  (Officially 10 lbs. overweight.)  Suddenly, most of my photos featured only my face.  (This was right after a hair cut and clearly after I had stopped bothering with make up.  I was still working the funkier highlights because I was a mere student and not practicing yet.  I also didn't realize that my natural color was pretty.)

 

While studying for the bar, I stress ate my way up to 160 lbs.  The stress of divorce got me back down to about 145 again. 

2007 is when my health started spiraling out of control.  The weight started piling back on and I was far too exhausted and sick to exercise.  Welcome to obesity.  I can't really find any photos of myself.  Although I have a couple of shots from when we went to visit my fam. 

 

(That guy totally sucked at using my camera.)

 
(I'm eating sugar??  Shocking.)

Of course, this was the only photo I liked of myself from the trip.  Of course, it is because my hair looked so damn good from the soft water.

 

I did start working out a bit because I was getting remarried.  It didn't help much.  I was not happy with just how much of me there was in those wedding photos.  November 24, 2007. 

 
 

  

(But, DAMN, my hair looked good.  Thank you Kristin!)

Even the professional shots show more to love...

 

(Talk about my cup runneth over...)  (And if you are wondering why my make up is so perfect, that's also Kristin's work.)

Here's one from the honeymoon that I probably didn't post anywhere because of my weight.

 

About three months after the wedding, in early 2008, my thyroid issues were finally diagnosed when I went to the FFC. 

July of 2008 was the last time I saw my grandmother before she had a series of strokes and I was only able to see her again in hospice care.  I have a framed photograph of her and my grandfather on my desk from this visit.  However, it's not this photo.  Because I cringe at my own weight.  Yes, I am too vain to display this.  (Look at that arm and those chins.  Gah.)  But I cherish having this photo. 

 

My weight has been all over the map since then.  I avoid posing for many photos and most are extremely select angles, but here is one from the holidays of me with all of the Liss men.  We lost my grandmother only a few short days before.

 

And here's another from Christmas.  There was much butter involved in this little session. 

 
 (Get it?  Lobster got my tongue.  Whatever, I think I'm funny.)

My weight has continued to increase since that time.  Here is a picture from early 2009 when I had the pleasure of a reunion with some of my favorite ladies from high school. 

 

And here's one where I was caught doing things we aren't going to get into, but it really shows off my chins.

 

I don't have anything more recent and I'm sure as hell not taking one right now.  You see, I've gained another ten pounds since then.  I know that some of this is thyroid related.  But knowing that does not make it a damn bit easier.  Part of it is also my unwillingness to give up sugar, like I need to, to get the yeast completely out of my system.  I have given it up in some stuff, but I'll be the first girl to run out of my office for some deposition cookies. 

But this is mostly about food choices.  I am lazy.  So yesterday's lunch was Arby's.  If I'm already having the Bacon and Bleu Roastburger with curly fries, what does it matter if I have pink lemonade with it.  And I had a pint of ice cream while we watched tv at night.  Not good food choices. 

I got on the scale this morning and saw a number that made me want to attack the scale with a hammer.  But really, scale violence is not the answer as this is not the scale's fault. 

Tomorrow, I have to go shopping to buy clothes.  Bigger clothes because nothing I own fits right now.  I have avoided doing so because I didn't want to accept that this was actually my weight.  But right now, I have nothing that fits for court and I look like a stuffed sausage in everything else. 

Thanks for joining me on this exciting photo journey.  I wanted to illustrate for all why I say I have become an obese fashionless manatee.  Also, I needed to chronicle the past to show myself that I've never been happy with my weight, regardless of how high or how low. 

I will start making better food choices.  I will keep fighting to get my thyroid under control.  I will refrain from cheating on my anti-candida diet.  I will start exercising.  I have to.  It is time to stop complaining and to start doing more.  Maybe then I can become a slutty librarian/50s housewife again. 

But for now, I didn't pay for these giant boobs and I DON'T WANT THEM.

Comments

[Amy Schraudt]

I just want to thank you so very much for sharing your journey. I believe i've had this condition for 10 yrs at least, and am just now having some hope for a better quality of life. You are so funny and remind me of a good friend of mine (her blog is hilarious, too!). Fibro love to ya!
Amy