Dear Immune System,
Over the years, I've come to realize that our relationship is chilly, at best. We don't really get along. Your constant need for attention. Your refusal to follow accepted protocol. Your unwillingness to get back to work after working really hard to combat an illness. (You don't get a free ride for months after every minor illness!) Your reluctance to accept healing medicines. Your arrogant "look at me! pay attention to me!" attitude.
Let's be clear - there is only room for one crazy unstable semi-narcissist in this relationship. ME. You have got to get it through your head that you are not running the show. I AM.
Due to the deterioration of our relationship, I am forced to present this cease-and-desist letter. Here are my demands.
1. Stop being such an attention whore. That is my job and I am still pretty low-key about it (except for my desire to be a famous game show contestant).
2. Stop wasting my damn money. $750 at the doctor today. Because of your insolence, we have to see the super fancy doctor who doesn't take insurance. It seems that pneumonia wasn't enough for you. Now you have to rev up the ole EBV again. I want a commissioned Tiffany Liu painting that I can already see in my head. I do not want to continually shell out money to deal with your dumb ass.
3. Stop using all of the same old excuses. It's like we have a script. Oh, Danielle works her ass off at everything she does and isn't paying enough attention to me, so I better use... EBV to get her attention. Epstein Barr is so dull, Immune System. You can't even come up with a normal illness that people BELIEVE IN.
4. Start accepting medication. Every time, it's the same broken record. Nope, you won't get that shot and will make me faint if I try it. Nope, no IVs - you shrink all of the veins in my body. (What if I wanted to be a junkie? I'd fail because of you.) No anti-viral medications because you make me throw up. Nothing at all to heal the EBV so that I can act like a normal human.
5. Stop making parts of me numb. You are really going above and beyond lately. First, you started your crap in the spring and now I can't wear heels. (Thanks for that since I have a rather expensive and very beautiful shoe collection.) Now, you have started again. My entire left cheek feels like there are tiny little bugs are dancing inside my skin. The IV briefly made that stop, and you got pissed and moved the numb part to my forehead. Try making it go away forever. Face, legs and arms. I'm sick of this shit. I know I had pneumonia, but THAT WAS TWO MONTHS AGO. Your time to shine is DONE.
Do all of these things NOW. I have had enough. I am tired. I am sick of spending money on health care for the same things over and over and over. As my wise mother would say, knock your shit off.
With hate,
Danielle
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