Kitten a Go-Go

I am a broken old lady.

I was in pretty good spirits after seeing Dr. Garcia on Wednesday.  Last night, I had a really bad cough again.  When I got to the office today, it got progressively worse.  Then I started wheezing.  Then it felt like there were bricks on my ribcage.  Of course my primary doctor wouldn't fit me in.  (That's a different post, when I am not as angry about it.)  So I left work and went to Quick Care.  The nice doctor said that it was good that I came in because I need more antibiotics and some other crap.  So, I still have pneumonia and it still sucks.  Yay for me.

Another Note to the Search People

Dear Bar Takers,

I always know when it is time for the bar because I get a variety of searches about how people aren't ready, etc.  It will be over in a week and you will survive.  I am in my third year of practice now and I lived to tell about it.  I want to be encouraging, but dude, I am so glad that it isn't me right now.  Have fun.  Hopefully, after I can get the easy version (after four years?) (if that is still an option), I will take CA and we can all go through it again together.  Until then, use your flash cards and figure out how to write/type fast.

Dear Grapetini Drinkers,

I am still proud to be a main destination for grapetini drinkers.  I will never understand how that happened, but enjoy your cocktail. 

Dear Person Who Thinks Kitty Heels Are Ugly,

Do you mean actual cat feet?  Because those are cute.  Especially when they are naked.  If you mean low high heeled shoes, you are right.  I can't wear my stilettos anymore and I am trapped in kitten heels at court.  Gah.  But please note, if you meant shoes, those are kitten heels.  Kitty heels = cats; kitten heels = shoes.

Dear Nasty Pervert,

Last time you got her by searching for young women.  This time, you got here by searching for male nudists who are preteens.  I again ask that you please get the hell off my site and just go to jail or therapy or something.  I hate knowing that you exist.  I hate knowing that we practically interacted.  You are icky. 

Regards,
Danielle

Fibromyalgia Diaries: Entry # 89169

Hey there.  <looks down sheepishly.>  Posting has been light, right?  Sorry.  It goes like this:  I feel like ass.  I have been completely wiped out since the pneumonia took residence in my body. 

Honestly, there's been a lot going on in the health department.  Like, hey, I am a huge fat ass.  And, hey, I don't have insomnia anymore - instead, I want to sleep all of the time.  And, hey, I can't concentrate or remember anything for more than two minutes.  And, hey, I'm a crazy moody bitch a lot of the time.

Fortunately, I got to see my beloved Dr. Garcia today.  (I don't know if she realizes that our time together is so exhaustively chronicled.  Here, let's help her out:  Dr. Alina Garcia, Las Vegas, Fibro and fatigue.  That should help if she googles herself, like I do.)  So, my thyroid is not right.  Again.  I hate this stupid thing and wish it would REGULATE AND LEAVE ME ALONE.  So more thyroid meds coming my way.

Dr. Garcia was cool with my executive decision to not get the spinal tap.  However, I think we all know that I had made my mind up on that. 

Because of the big monster horse antibiotics, I have to do some more time with the antifungals.  Not diflucan this time because I don't think it worked last time. 

A lot of the current fatigue is due to the pneumonia.  Too much going on at work to give into that.  Plus, I missed a week earlier this month from it.  Whether I like it or not, there are billable hours that I must pay attention to. 

Honestly, I can't keep my focus long enough to make any of this make sense.  Still not completely better.  Broken old lady.  Should hopefully have smaller ass soon. 

The end.

Two letters to Google searchers who got stuck with me

1.  Dear person who got here by searching "m not taking bar exam,"

Yes you are.  You have been studying your ass off.  Take the stupid test.  Then it will all be over.  Stop having a tantrum a week before the test.  I bet you need some sleep.  Oh, that's right.  You don't get to sleep now. 

2006 was so long ago.  I'm sorry, but I am just not that sympathetic and I have stopped yuppie whining.  So, you have to stop bar exam whining.  Suck it up.  Take the test. 

Oh, and good luck.  By the way, m is not a word.  Don't pull that shit on the exam.  It's am.  Consider that my helpful study hint.

2.  Dear person who got here by searching for preteen nudists,

Get your ass off my site, sicko.  I turn a blind eye at the foot fetish bullshit, but this will NOT be tolerated.  I should figure out how to find your IP address and report you to the cyber police because you are a damn pervert.  Or better yet, that guy who catches dumb ass predators on TV. 

You are not welcome in my land of rainbows and unicorns.  Run along and NEVER come back.

A random Tuesday

Dear Mommom,

Tonight, Mom and I were talking about you.  I haven't been able to get you out of my mind since.  Mom said something about taking your china.  As if I could refuse.  I will take any memory of you and cherish it and feel honored to have it with me. 

Life has taken so many twists and turns for me and Paul since we lost you.  I miss your strength and your common sense approach toward everything.  No matter what happened in our lives, you didn't judge us, even if some things may have conflicted with your personal beliefs. 

You were so incredibly special.  I know you weren't perfect, but no one is.  You brought me such joy.  I greedily cling to my memories of you so that I don't forget one second.  I'm still a little girl, singing with her grandmother in the park gazebo.  I am a pre-teen girl going to NYC for the first time.  I am a young woman graduating from college and you were there even though it made you ill. 

When I was looking for something this weekend, I came across a tiny polaroid photograph that I took of you and Poppop at Christmas dinner in either 2004 or 2005.  Like usual, you said that you looked like a mess, but you let me take the picture and you both look radiant.  I held that picture close to my heart.  I keep a photo of you on my desk at work and it makes me smile if I don't feel well or if I get bogged down by negative thoughts. 

I love you and I miss you so very much,
Danielle

To Two Unlikely Readers

Tonight, I can't stop thinking about you both.  My heart aches for you right now, but for different reasons than your own hearts might ache.  If they even still ache at all.  I love you both, dearly.  Many times, I hoped that I could have what you do.  Or did. 

As my first marriage slipped away, I hoped that maybe I could make my own fairytale.  But your fairytale always seemed to be just that.  Destiny.  Meant to be together.  After all of the trials, drama and heartache, at the center, there was always you.  Together. 

I could look to you and say, you know what, true love does sometimes win and you just have to fight for it.  My personal fairytale.  It is so hard for me to watch and not be able to help.  I want to mediate and med, but I don't think it matters.  It doesn't seem right that your fairytale should end. 

I wish you both the best, even though I will lose one of your in the process.  May you find the path you are searching for.  I am so sorry that you couldn't find a path to walk together. 

Love,
Danielle

Look, it's 2009!

I finally updated some of my links.  Gee, that was long overdue. 

I Can Find My Soapbox, Even with Pneumonia

Dear Readers, it is probably safe to say that I have an advanced degree in being a medical patient.  I have spent years getting dicked around with tests that go nowhere and doctors who want no part of what I'm selling because I don't fit into their little box.  Let's review the past six months or so. 

I have continued to see Dr. Garcia at the FFC.  I would give the presentations at their clinic if they gave me a free B12 shot and some water.  I love that woman.  Here's the thing about Dr. Garcia and the FFC.  They do not take insurance.  I have bitched relentlessly about the costs in other posts.  Hell, I have that other blog about how much their costs helped the Danielle Deficit.  However, when I make an appointment with Dr. Garcia, I get at least thirty full minutes with Dr. Garcia.  Not the nurse.  Not a PA.  She listens to me.  We go over my past labs and current labs and anything else.  I have gotten accustomed to this sort of doctor patient relationship. 

Earlier this year, I sprained my ankle.  That led to Dr. Doom.  Then to Dr. Gubler.  My appointments with Dr. Gubler were relatively quick in duration, but how much time can one take for that sort of thing.  I agreed that I needed additional tests.  When the additional tests came back, I got a shot that did nothing and I honestly believe was a complete waste of time and money because I don't have tarsal tunnel. 

When that didn't work, I was given two options:  surgery or go see a neuro.  Off to the neuro I went.  Especially because I don't need a scar and a tattoo on the same damn foot.  Neuro spent about ten minutes with me at the first appointment and it was test time.  Two MRIs, labs and other tests done in her office. 

I went back to get my results today.  My tests were clean.  (Whew, because I was worried about MS.)  She tells me that my central nervous system looks fine and have I considered that it might be fibro.  What????  She knows about Dr. Garcia, so I am assuming this was a slip up.  I gently remind her that I have been treated for fibro for years and i was there because the symptoms changed.  Before I could get anything else out of my mouth, she was writing an Rx for a spinal tap.  What?  My CNS is fine, and now I am going for a spinal tap...  An invasive test which will require me to miss more work and will also require my husband to miss work.  But for what?  She said everything else was fine.  Sure, it's nice to rule stuff out, but this is a bit much. 

Also, within the past week, I've had the pleasure of visiting the Emergency Room twice.  First, because the neuro told me to go because I couldn't work my right arm, and that turned out to be a pinched nerve.  But, instead of seeing me in her office, I had to go there to get a cardio workup.  6.2 hours in the ER and they gave me the same stuff that the neuro would have.  Does that really necessitate an ER visit over a quick office visit?

That was last Monday.  On Thursday, I felt like crap at work and assumed it was the pinched nerve or the meds and I went home.  Took my temperature and it was high.  By Friday morning, the temperature was soaring and I was starting to have trouble breathing and I was making strange sounds while coughing.  I gave up and asked Brian to take me to the ER.  Again.  Fortunately, our stay was only 2.5 hours.  My second chest xray in five days.  Pneumonia.  I'm going to be honest, this was a new one for me. 

For the past four days, I have felt like ass in a way that I haven't felt in years.  I take millions of naps.  I cough millions of times.  Sitting up is a huge chore.  (I am currently sitting up in an attempt to see if I can make it through some of my work day tomorrow.)  I realize that if this continues, I need to go back to the doctor.  Nothing annoys me more. 

In these recent experiences, I have noticed a huge difference in the standard of care:  If I want attention from a specialist, I need one who doesn't take insurance.  If I want attention on something "easy," I need to go to the ER.  I can't wait to see what my insurance bills will look like for this one. 

Obviously, healthcare reform is widely discussed.  I think it is total bullshit.  We need insurance reform.  I posted something on FB about my frustrations and one of my friends, who is married to a doctor, remarked that they get about two minutes with each patient and they order a battery of tests because if they miss something, it's on the doctor, rather than the insurance company.  I think everyone can agree that this is the sad state of healthcare in our country. 

So, while I might bitch about Dr. Garcia's rates, it's pretty damn reasonable when I think about my hourly rate.  She has made more progress than 8 years of other doctors have. 

I am respectfully declining my spinal tap until a need arises.  I am simply not giving into the overabundance of testing and making my insurance premiums even more costly for my employer.  I'll stick with the doctor I pay for out of my pocket directly and I'll get the level of care that I imagine most doctors wish they could give their patients.