Orchids

Dear Mommom,

After I wrote my last letter, I asked Dad to read it.  He shared it with others (as I have shared it with anyone who stumbles upon this site).  My mother commented that I must have cried while writing it.  I didn't.  It was a celebration of who you were and the things in you that I hope to emulate. 

But this letter is harder.  You moved to hospice today.  When I arrived in New Jersey on Wednesday night, I know that I am there to say goodbye.  I have so much more to say to you.  But I know you can't ...  you can't talk to me.  You can't tell me that it is going to be okay.  And I am slowly coming to terms with that.  Slowly.  But because I have more to say, I am going to say it here.  I want people to know the you.  And to know you, they have to know at least a little about me.

I am a lawyer.  And most days, I feel like that's all I am.  I am too tired to be a good friend, daughter, sister, or wife.  I am too tired to cook, clean my house, bathe my cats or simply do laundry.  I am too tired to enjoy the little things in life that used to bring me so much joy.  I have a collection of paintings that are facing the wall because I am too tired to hang them.  I have my own photography that I am too tired to frame and hang.  Anything more than passively watching tv can seem so overwhelming.

Some may feel that I am superficial because of the escapes that I make for this overwhelmed feeling that I often have.  I pride myself on a nice pedicure and shoes.  But really, the shoes are about a lot more than just shoes.  I like their beauty.  I like their color.  I like the fact that no matter how i feel about the changes my body has gone through during my health battles, shoes always fit.  Vegas in Heels was an attempt for me to capture two of the things i love - photography and shoes.  It helped, but now, it needs to be redesigned and I'm too exhausted to make the changes that need to be made. 

So many times, during my mini breakdowns, I say that I feel like a failure.  And it is not because I have not achieved success in my life.  I haven't got any major complaints there.  I am haunted by this feeling that I am not doing/giving/making/being enough.  My mom told me recently that I can't fix it all and I can't do it all.  She's right.  I know that she's right.  Just tonight, Brian told me it will all be okay.  It will.  But that doesn't stop the self doubt. 

That self-indulgent bit of yuppie whining was necessary to discuss what I want to talk about tonight.  The many hats you wore.  You were a mother.  A nurse.  A caretaker.  A wife.  A cook.  The baker of a kick ass cherry cheese pie.  You could play the organ.  You decorated for the holidays.  You had bird feeders and found joy in watching the birds.  You made beautiful crafts.  I was always so proud when you would win ribbons for your crafts.  I'll never forget the dew drop in with the tiny mice. 

Most of all, I will never forget the orchids.  Your basement was full of the most magnificent orchids for many years.  I was captivated by their delicate beauty.  You never made a big deal out of them, but I knew they were special.  As an adult, I've killed more than a couple trying to keep just one alive because they remind me of you and bring me joy.  Whenever I would go to the Philadelphia Flower Show, I lingered amongst the orchids.  They bring me comfort.  They show me fragility and beauty in so many shapes and forms.  They make me feel your presence whenever I see one. 

Earlier this year, I tried to introduce plant life to our new home.  It's all dead now.  As I walked through Lowe's, I fondled more than a couple of orchids.  I wanted them because they reminded me of you.  I felt too guilty to buy one, knowing that I would kill it within days.  I certainly did not inherit your green thumb.  I did, however, inherit your eye for holding something basic, like a little bird or perhaps some shiny shoes, as an object of aesthetic beauty.  I learned to love looking at things.  Finding beauty in things.  Especially simple things (like perhaps a single flower or two idiot cats).

Even though I don't always feel like I am accomplishing great things or living my life to the fullest, I know that I can at least spot the beauty in everything.

Saying goodbye to you is going to be that much harder because I feel like there are so many beautiful things that I want to show you, even if it is just through pictures.

I love you dearly.  My heart is breaking to know that my time with you is nearly over.  I truly wish I'd made more of our time together.  But please know that I have cherished every second that I've had with you.  I will cherish the memories forever.

With love,
Danielle

Comments

[Jo Ann]

This will be one of the toughest times of your life. Know that your friends will be there for you, whether near or far. I hope this brings some comfort to you.

[Kellie]

It's never easy to lose someone that close to you. Know that I am here if you need me.

[boy]

That is one of the most beautiful tributes I have ever read. Believe me, everything you said, she knows. I am with you through this, through life, forever.